motherhood

All the places she’ll go

May 6, 2023 by Kristin Leave a Comment

My first baby girl is 16 today. (Sigh …)

I know, I just really can’t even believe it. Not only does time seem to have flown by, but I remember my own life at 16. The full-circle moments are just odd, but I wouldn’t trade any season of motherhood. I would like to note: I like parenting teenagers, and I’d like to stay right here for a while before things change again!

So, here on the day Cate turns 16 and I celebrate her making me a mom, I want to tell you this story:

At the end of February, Cate had her first sleepover that wasn’t because we had out-of-town friends or needed logistic help. Our standard rule had been: No sleepovers. I won’t get into all the reasons why, but it was a boundary I didn’t find hard to parent even though there were seasons my eldest daughter didn’t understand.

Then during the basketball season, her friendships with three teammates strengthened. They had been her friends for years, thanks to the small, private school they all attended together. As a sophomore, Cate was playing her fourth season of basketball. The team had grown and improved during that time. Our beloved Lady Lions went 15-1 and my girl wanted to celebrate with her closest friends. She started talking to her dad and me about the possibility of a sleepover a few weeks before. I like these girls and was proud of their hard work, not just because they won but because they demonstrated their commitment to working hard with each other. Greg and I decided she could invite them to our house.

Two of the girls drove here in their own cars after their last game. That seemed monumental at the time. Seeing my girl’s friends’ vehicles in our driveway made me happy to have them gathering here. I don’t know how much sleeping happened at this sleepover, but I’m pretty sure the amounts of fruit snacks, Capri Suns, Gatorade, and Cheez-Its consumed were greater. They were easy and polite — and cleaned up after themselves. Greg and I have always wanted our house to be where our kids’ friends want to hang out. We’ll always have a fridge of drinks and plenty of Totino’s Pizza Rolls ready for them.

We’ve come so far in 16 years. I can’t even document all this girl has taught me. She’s so much like me, but she’s also much more secure in her faith than most teenagers I know. I love sharing my birthday week with her and then celebrating Mother’s Day right after. She recently started her first job at the local movie theater. She loves photography, basketball, and her friends, whose cars I hope continue to come and go from our driveway.

Rachel likes to ask how old Cate and Ben will be when she’s such and such age. The other day Rachel asked how old her sister would be when she was 16. I quickly added the eight years between them: 24. I just can’t imagine being there. Rachel called Cate my favorite, mostly based on the fact we chit-chat a lot in the car when she’s in the front seat with me and Rachel is disappointed she has to sit behind us. Cate chimed in, “I won’t even live at home when you’re 16. I’ll just be you, Mom, and Dad because Ben will be 22.” Whoa. It’s true. Rachel liked what she heard.

And I want time to slow down just a bit and I’m not thinking about that third child driving yet. Let me soak in the first one turning 16.

Happy birthday, Catherine Anna. You are my favorite. (So are your siblings.) I love all our talks, Jeopardy binges, watching you grow into the woman God created you to be, and getting to experience the teenage years with you. Here’s to learning to drive and all the places you’ll go.

*****

Look back on her life: One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Baptism. Nine. Ten. Eleven. Twelve. Thirteen. Fourteen. Fifteen. Of course, you can read more about her birth, adoption story, and early life in my book, “Peace in the Process: How Adoption Built My Faith & My Family” too.

How to enjoy motherhood

February 16, 2023 by Kristin Leave a Comment

Motherhood is hard. I’m almost 16 years into this rewarding, challenging role. Over the years, I’ve found some ways to help relieve the stressful demands, which can feel constant. Of course, motherhood is a journey. Some days feel like survival is the goal; others give me the time and perspective to take care of myself too!

Some surveys show 55% of stay-at-home mothers always or frequently feel burned out, which is why we should be aware of ways that help us relieve the stress that can negatively impact mental and physical health. Reducing motherhood stress also can cultivate stronger connections with your family, improve child development, and create a more positive family dynamic. Here are some ways to make motherhood less stressful:

Get dressed — even to stay home

Getting ready for the day can have a positive impact on your confidence and self-esteem, which can, in turn, make motherhood less stressful. When you feel good about yourself, you’re more likely to approach challenges positively and handle them more easily.

Admittedly, some days I like a slow morning in my pajamas. Plus, and this is no secret to those who know me, wearing comfortable clothes is a priority in my life. But brushing my teeth and showering always make me feel ready for the day. Plus I like to get my hair cut and colored and went through a phase of enjoying going to get my nails done.

Different people care about different aspects of “getting ready” — and that’s fine! Do what works for you. It doesn’t have to be expensive or extensive. Perhaps you’re obsessed with 90s hairstyle trends and want to treat yourself to an iconic 1990s hairstyles. Go for it.

Prioritize self-care

Self-care is a trendy phrase that kind of gets on my nerves. Of course, yes, care for yourself. Go on walks, read books, get a massage, phone a friend. Caring for your physical and mental health is important but looks different depending on our preferences and personalities.

As a mother, it can be easy to put your family’s needs before yours, but neglecting self-care can lead to burnout, exhaustion, and increased stress levels. By making time for activities I enjoy, I find myself recharged and ready to return to motherhood.

Ask for help

Juggling the demands of childcare, housework, and other responsibilities can be overwhelming. Asking for assistance can make a big difference. Maybe ask another mom to carpool with you or hire someone to come clean the house. Ask your husband and kids to help conquer a chore list.

Delegating tasks can also foster a sense of teamwork and collaboration within your family while encouraging your children to develop responsibility and independence. Young kids can help too! Putting away the clean silverware is a great place to start with toddlers. Older kids can put away their laundry and clean up after themselves (when they remember and notice!). I have kids who help with laundry, unloading the dishwasher, and tidying their rooms.

Asking for help also is one way to create a supportive community of moms who come together to alienate stress and make life more enjoyable. (I wrote about hospitality and why we need one another in my book, “Bringing Home More Than Groceries: Stories About Gathering & Nourishing People.”)

Establish expectations

Greg and I talk about jurisdictions. We’ve been married 20 years, so we are settled into our ways together! He has things he does regularly and I have my things. Of course, we help one another as needed, but we also trust one another to take care of our responsibilities. Be willing to discuss these things and recognize when changes are necessary. Establishing a strong partnership with your partner can create a more supportive and fulfilling environment for yourself and your child.

When we have established clear expectations and priorities, much of life falls into place. I handle our family’s calendar, so I know our priorities are immediate family, close friends & family, church & school, and other people in our community. The order matters because we have to say no sometimes. We only have so much mental capacity and time in our days.

Sleep!

Nobody needs to sacrifice sleep! Most evenings, after the kids are in bed, which is becoming later as they get older, I’m also done for the day. Sometimes I will tidy the kitchen and or change over the laundry, and then settle in my bedroom. This is a good time for Greg and me to catch up while the kids are winding down too. We may watch a show together or read books separately. But then we sleep. My goal is 10 p.m. to 6:15 a.m., when my alarm goes off most mornings. I usually get close. I also like tracking my sleep on my Apple Watch and have my phone & watch go into sleep mode at 9:30 pm. In sleep mode, I don’t get any notifications.

Lack of sleep can lead to irritability, decreased concentration, and a weakened immune system, making parenting even more challenging. I’m not a napper, but this is how some moms, especially ones with young children, survive. Our overall well-being improves when we prioritize sleep and rest.

Plan fun

Planning fun helps it actually happen! I know, we all want fun and adventure to happen as life unfolds — and sometimes it will. But often we have to schedule blocks of time to go on adventures or enjoy fun at our home.

These kinds of memories help me remember the joy of motherhood, which, truly, helps wipe away the stress. Often fun still involves teaching moments, but our kids will remember the trips, snow days, game nights, and sporadic adventures! This also helps break up the monotony of our daily routines.

Embrace imperfection

Pep talking myself here! I can look at a situation, place, or person (including my children!) and see improvements. I can anticipate scenarios and work to prevent mishaps, but life still happens! I’m constantly working on embracing imperfections — in myself, my husband, my kids, and my home. Obviously, my whole family, definitely including myself, are all better off when I loosen my grip and rest in reality.

Embracing imperfection can teach our children the value of mistakes and resilience, helping them build important life skills. It can also create a more optimistic outlook on motherhood, leading to greater enjoyment and satisfaction.

Recognize accomplishments

Motherhood is a constant responsibility and often the rewards are delayed. But stop and think about all we accomplish in a day, reflect on an encouraging conversation with a child, or remember an interruption that turned into a blessing.

Being a mother comes with many daily challenges, and you need to recognize each minor victory and accomplishment you make in your motherhood journey. Doing this can help reduce stress and remind us why we are investing in our families.

We can do this, mommas!

How to teach responsibility

September 7, 2022 by Kristin Leave a Comment

This week I had all sorts of things on my to-do list: Schedule an oil change for my van. Set up daughter’s online banking access. Run these errands. Text certain people. Have kids mow the grass. Order a birthday cake. Get paint off the dining room table. Do laundry.

Yes, that’s life. But it’s also being responsible. It’s a lesson I definitely want my kids to learn. I want them to take care of their hygiene, their mental health, their physical well-being, their spiritual lives, and even their belongings. While documenting real life, I want to teach them real-life responsibility.

Encourage responsibility

Teaching kids about taking care of things is an important life skill that should is taught throughout the years at home before they have homes of their own, where I’m not going to make morning routine lists and chore charts or offer incentives for being responsible.

At our house, two of our kids have routine lists to go through each morning and evening. It’s certainly not a perfect process, but it helps me remind them of what they need to do every day. Included in their routines are cleaning up after themselves. I want them to care for the house we have and the things that belong to them. I want them to clean up their dirty clothes so I can wash them and then they can put them away.

Encourage kids to take some ownership. Let them put away the silverware, even if it’s messier than you’d do it. (Yes, I’m totally talking to myself here!) Give them chores they can do regularly.

Teach value of belongings & people

There are many ways to teach children about the consequences of being (or not being!) responsible. My husband and I have tried all sorts of strategies in this area – some more successful than others. Recently, my son broke his Gabb Watch. Honestly, not being able to communicate with him when he’s not with me is a little inconvenient for me, but I’m not replacing this broken item. Taking care of this smartwatch was his responsibility.

It’s okay for our kids to do without luxuries when they have all they truly need. Their toys, extra clothes, band instruments, technology devices, and sweets are all treats.

More important than things are the relationships within our household. I want my kids to value each other. The other morning one child was calling another child mean names, so the consequence was to clean two of the toilets. Our home is a safe place so sometimes people’s reactions are unfiltered, but I still want us all to strive to love one another well.

Lead by example

My oldest child, who is a sophomore in high school, recently opened a checking account. I want to teach her how to balance an account, have healthy spending habits, and understand the value of earning money before she’s living on her own. Teaching responsibility like this is important while children are still under our roofs. In our house, we talk about money in a context that hopefully helps our children understand God has been gracious to us, my husband works hard, saving is important, and belongings and experiences have a monetary value. They know about grocery shopping, eating out, and sharing what we have with others. Experiences, like being part of a soccer team, also encourage character traits, including responsibility.

My husband is an entrepreneur and his ideas have rubbed on me after 20 years of marriage. And now my oldest daughter has started her own business, Backroads & Blooms Photography. She’s been selling some flower photographs she took. I’m helping her promote it online, but she does the printing of photos and ordering frames. She keeps track of income and expenses on a spreadsheet. So many lessons on real-life responsibility right there!

My husband and I want to live these ideas out in our own lives so our children witness responsible living. We do our own chores around the house, but we’re always grateful to include them – in both the lessons and the work!

Purging items is good

When it comes to being responsible for items, another important lesson is purging is good! We can’t hold on to every piece of paper that comes home from school, shoes that don’t fit anymore, or toys that they have outgrown. Sometimes we throw things away; other times we give them away to someone who can use them. When my children were younger, I would rotate toys in and out of their closets so they would often feel like they had something new to play with on a rainy day. We wouldn’t open every new birthday toy on the same day, but wait for another day to spread out the joy.

Sometimes when children are having a hard time figuring out what to play with, try taking away some of the clutter in their room and see if that helps. It’s important that parents help their children develop their creativity by giving them space to play and explore. Plus this helps them appreciate what they already have.

How do you teach responsibility in your home?