Kristin Hill Taylor

Seeking God as the Author of Every Story

The sounds of Becoming

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“I am miles from where I was
It’s so far from where I want to be
With each step I learn to trust
The maker is still making me …”
– Jason Gray in “Becoming”

In September, I sat with on my counselor’s couch and told her about this idea of transformation being a process of order to disorder to reorder. I stole the concept from singer/songwriter Jason Gray who was inspired by Franciscan friar and author Richard Rohr’s idea and wrote some songs about it. On the heels of a hard year, these songs helped me make sense out of conflict, disappointment, loss, and grief. They helped me see how God was working even when my heart and head hurt.

These songs are part of a three-part project that’s being released in segments. The first set of songs – “Order” – has been out since September and I’ve been listening to it frequently. There is also a five-day devotional that goes along with the songs and spoke truth into my wounded soul. I can’t carry a tune and I haven’t played my clarinet since 1993, but other people’s songs have always marked my seasons and helped me along.

So, of course, I looked to see if Jason Gray was on tour. He didn’t have any dates near me, but not long after he posted on Instagram about wanting to schedule some small shows with him and his guitar. My mind started intertwining lots of ideas I had to make a concert part of a bigger fundraiser for our mission team that’s headed to Guatemala in April and needed to raise thousands of dollars to build two houses, visit about 20 families and help meet some of the physical needs, and distribute 50 wheelchairs. Jason Gray and I exchanged some emails and got a date on the calendar.

The date was last night, and this morning my heart is full.

My natural Enneagram One way is to think about how more seats could have been filled or more money raised, but I know God is asking me to unclench my fists and hold my palms wide open. It’s an ongoing conversation God and I have and one we’ll probably continuing having because Jesus saved me from my sins but he’s still saving me from my anxious ways.

Last night Jason talked about how our weaknesses are what make us safe places for each other. Then he sang about how the wounds are where the light gets in, trusting is a lot like falling, and sometimes the truth is hard to tell ourselves. He sang about how we’re all still becoming and being made new. He sang about how it’s good to be alive, even if we have to be reminded who we are.

Before the concert, we had a chili cook-off with 11 pots of chili from my friends, a silent auction of donations from other friends, and a bake sale my daughter and her best friend headed up. There were lots of ways to support our mission projects and these families in Guatemala we’ll get to serve, but, more importantly, there were many ways to be connected to one another. That’s where God does beautiful work.

Maybe it’s on a counselor’s couch, through the songs of a stranger who seems to understand, or while planning an event so a team of people can serve together, but we are at our best when we make room for each other – even when the brokenness is obvious and the wounds are far from healed.

Jason Gray opened his show with “Becoming” – one of those songs from the “Order” project. That’s my word this year. In 2020, I want to focus on becoming more like Christ, resting in real life knowing living surrendered is far more productive than controlling and clinching. Jason didn’t know that’s where I am, but he knew that’s where he’d been and trusted he wasn’t the only one.

Becoming is living

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I’ve had a lot of feelings this year, and many of them have been hard to handle internally. I also have experienced deeper awareness of myself, husband, kids, dearest friends, and even a larger circle of friends — who we are individually and how we best fit together. In August, I started going to counseling again, probably several months later than I should have.

The year started with a conflict, involved many decisions about how to spend my time, and was marked by grief when my dad died and then when I had to shift some commitments and thinking in my life. I felt most myself in November, and I’m thankful for that after so many months of thinking and deciding and wrestling — most of those actions taking place in my own head. I’m grateful my very loud inner critic has quieted some and I’m more secure in who God made me to be.

When I chose faithful as my focus this year, I had some ideas of what that meant, but, of course, God went and created a whole new thing with it. He shifted and shaped me. He provided for me in ways I didn’t necessarily know I needed. He was faithful, even when I struggled to grieve during my favorite summer season and felt Him making me new when nature was dying for the winter.

Two years ago, I focused on how Jesus is my rescue. Then I learned more about living that out faithfully. Now it’s time to focus more on becoming more like Christ, which right now for me looks like …

… becoming more of who God made me to be.
… becoming more patient and kind.
… becoming more free from the irrational feelings and expectations that can hinder me.
… becoming more restful and peaceful.

I keep saying becoming more, but with that I really mean less. This world yells do more, build a bigger audience, and be you to everyone. I want to quiet the demands, serve faithfully where God has me, and be me knowing my capacity is smaller than I sometimes wish it was. So, yes, more God, but less of most everything else.

Becoming is about transformation. It’s an ongoing series of actions and decisions that come from a foundation established long ago. Becoming is living.

*****

Of course, I’ve put together a soundtrack for this season {BECOMING 2020}. And let’s revisit soundtracks from other years: RESCUE 2018. FAITHFUL 2019.

Here are some additional resources that have encouraged me to get where I am on this journey to becoming:

Stories from the Porch in December

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“If I try to force this season to look like my last one, I miss out on the unique beauty of this one and I miss the opportunity to use all that He taught me then, now.” Speaker/encourager Emma Mae Jenkins posted this earlier this month and it struck me deeply because it’s what I’d been missing in appreciating seasons.

God has been teaching me about seasons and the value in rhythm, even during changes. But I was holding on too tightly, trying to replicate previous seasons. God has made each season beautiful and appropriate in its own time. Yes, spring, summer, fall, and winter repeat, but each spring looks different than the one before because God has transformed me. I’m not the same this year. Grieving in the summer seemed unnatural, and now here I am in winter finding myself again. There can be similarities and traditions, but the details change from one season to the next, from one year to the next. That’s both wonderful and terrifying.

Yet here I am at the end of a hard year knowing I’ve been transformed for the better. Here I am saying I’m thankful for seasons.

Nothing in this life stays the same. That almost seems like a threat, but really it’s a promise too. Our God won’t leave us where we were in the winter by the time springs starts blooming new life. Here’s to the seasons we lived in 2019 and the ones to come in 2020.

Highlights

Some of our favorite Christmas traditions happened in the same weekend at the beginning of December. We went on our annual tree hunt on our property and found a good evergreen to bring into the living room. We did this between the huge extended family brunch and the town’s parade later in the evening. We ended the festive night with Santa at the Murray State basketball game.

Then Sunday of that weekend, Greg and I went to see Andrew Peterson’s Behold the Lamb of God concert with three friend couples. We had dinner before the show.

For years, I’ve heard about Behold the Lamb of God. I’ve listened to the music, first on a CD and then imported to iTunes. I knew he invited lots of friends onto stage, but it wasn’t until I sat in the Ryman Auditorium balcony on that Sunday night that I witnessed a community of musicians.

Andrew Peterson wrote these songs and invited others to share them. Together they tell the story of our need for Jesus, a savior’s birth, and our rescue. He could sing these songs alone, but there’s power in letting go and welcoming others in. The voices and instruments came together to make something even more lovely.

Those people who were on stage are talented. Their bios are about writing songs and accompanying and touring with famous names. But they shared the spotlight and gave God the glory. They brought us to the throne and sent us on our way with hearts fuller than they were three hours earlier.

It was such a sweet start to the Christmas season. We also had a day at Greg’s mom’s house with his brothers and their families. Then we spent a few days in Louisville with my family. I was glad to be able to see aunts, uncles, and cousins from both sides of my family.

We came home on Christmas Eve and have enjoyed some slow days together – or mostly together. Cate was quarantined in her room for a few days, thanks to the flu.

Favorite things

Reflect and Refresh — I joined my friend Kayse Pratt from Anchored Women for this eight-day Instagram challenge that prompted me to slow down to look back on 2019 and toward 2020. You can read the posts when you scroll back on Instagram or Facebook.

Middle school basketball — My seventh-grader and two of her middle school friends are playing on our little school’s first-ever middle school girls’ team. They had their first two games this month and they were so fun. There’s a lot to be learned about playing basketball, but I’m so thankful for Cate’s bravery to try something new. Ben is playing with the younger kids and has games starting in January.

Top Nine from 2019 — I love the website that makes a grid of the top nine liked photos from my Instagram account. These days my big kids are way more picky about me taking their picture. Of course I do, and sometimes I post them. Y’all apparently like when I do. My #topnine of the year includes multiple big kid photos.

Other observations: Y’all also we’re excited we got to meet University of Kentucky Coach John Calipari at the Jockey Being Family Gala in Lake Geneva (center photo). We love our Racers and road-trip friends, so I’m glad y’all do too (left center and bottom right). And, yes, Animal Kingdom is still my favorite Disney Park park. Thanks for liking our roaring faces (bottom left). I love capturing memories and am grateful y’all humor me with your likes, comments, and willingness to follow along. I know, it seems impossible this year marked knowing Greg for 21 years and being married for 17 years of those (top left).

From the bookshelf

“The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry” by John Mark Comer — I mentioned this book last month, but it’s worth mentioning again now that I’m finished with it. Written by a fellow Enneagram 1, Type A person, I really appreciated how he shares about living a slower life, which actually leads to a more fulfilled life. I have so much to learn in this area and am inspired by his words and practices. This is one of those books I’ll think back on for a long time to come, especially as I work on developing some healthy habits entering in the new year.

Okay, how about one quote from this book?

“Jesus’ schedule was full. To the brim at times. In a good way. Yet he never came off hurried. This rootedness in the moment and connectedness to God, other people, and himself weren’t the by-products of a laid-back personality or pre-Wi-Fi world; they were the outgrowths of a way of life. A whole new way to be human that Jesus put on display in story after story. … He put on display an unhurried life, where space for God and love for people were the top priorities, and because he said yes to the Father and his kingdom, he constantly said no to countless other invitations. Then he turned around and said, ‘Follow me.’”

“Regretting You” by Colleen Hoover — I wanted to read this the day it came out, but I waited about 10 days because I knew I’d devour it quickly. I did, and I really enjoyed it during this Christmas weekend. It’s a story about complicated grief, first love, and how people are connected. I loved it being told through alternating perspectives of a mom and daughter. I related to being angry with someone when his death revealed secrets and how it’s tricky to remember the good parts. I’ve read seven Colleen Hoover books this year, all since this summer. Discovering her was definitely a favorite part of my year.

I shared all the books I’ve read this year in a post last week. {THE BOOKS OF 2019!} Plus, many of the recommended reads are linked on Amazon.

On the screen

“The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel” — Greg and I watched the third season of this show. We could do without the cursing and really think in the 1950s people like the characters wouldn’t cuss so much, but otherwise we really love the show.

“Noelle” — This movie streaming on Disney+ was really cute. We watched it as a family one night before Christmas and especially enjoyed all the holiday puns.

“Holiday in the Wild” – Greg and I watched this Christmas movie on Netflix. It has Rob Lowe, Kristin Davis, and a sweet storyline involving elephants in Africa.

*****

Kristin Hill Taylor - Porch Stories

Here are #PorchStories from the earlier months this year: January. February. March. April. May. June. July. August. September. October. November.

In an effort to re-adjust priorities in my home and heart, #PorchStories will look different in 2020. I still plan to write and share stories here, but there won’t be a monthly linkup. I’m going to miss that opportunity for community, but I know stepping back for now is the right thing. I do still hope you’ll gather and share at the virtual porch on Facebook.