foster care

Finding home in a patchwork family

May 31, 2018 by Kristin 4 Comments

One of my favorite things about the internet is making friends. Melissa Smallwood and I have crossed paths more than once, she’s part of the Adoption Together group I host for adoptive and foster moms, and she’s a multi-tasking mom who writes pieces of her story as time allows.

I’m grateful she’s sharing a piece of her family’s story here in honor of Foster Care Awareness Month. Welcome to the porch, Melissa!

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In the world of foster care, a child who enters the system at the age of ten is not likely to be placed in a traditional home setting. They are more likely to be placed in a congregate care setting such as a group home, shelter or residential facility. There aren’t enough foster homes to go around and even fewer homes that are willing to take in children over the age of eight years.

My story is no exception. When I entered the foster care system in middle school, my first placement was in a group home. It was overwhelming and scary. While I continued to exhibit behaviors, including running away, when finally placed in traditional foster homes, it wasn’t until a foster mom dug her heels in and loved me despite my pushing her away that my behavior began to improve. I don’t know that would have occurred if I would have remained in a congregate care setting.

When we became foster parents twenty years later, I told my husband I wanted to take in only older kids because I knew they needed traditional foster home settings to truly thrive. We were licensed for one child at a time and planned to foster only. Proverbs 19:21 tells the tale of how that went: “You can make many plans, but the Lord’s purpose will prevail.”

We wanted what each child wanted for their future.

With our first placement, she wanted to be back with her mom so we wanted that too. For a year, we co-parented with her mom. We shared wisdom gleaned from our twenty years of parenting experience, invited her mom in for holiday and birthday celebrations, shuttled her to visitations and family therapy sessions and even accepted an invitation to be at her mom’s graduation from the program she attended. They were reunited at the one-year mark. We packed up all the things she had accumulated in her 365 days with us, wrote her mom an encouraging note, kept in touch, helped out with childcare on the weekends, and hoped and prayed for the best. But it didn’t work out.

Just seven weeks after reunification, she was back in care. That was devastating not just to our girl but to me too. I had invested much of myself in the reunification and I wanted it for the both of them so much. I realized when it didn’t work out that the little girl in me had wanted it too. I also realized, just like I did as a child, that you can’t want it for a parent more than they want it for themselves.

Thankfully, even though we had accepted another placement in the meantime, we were given a waiver for our license to accept her back as well so she got to come back home to us. And that is where she has been ever since. We adopted her seven months later and while that was never the plan any of us started out with, we now see it was God’s plan all along.

When she came back into our home, we had three placements at once, which, as mentioned earlier, had never been our plan. All three of those girls ended up being a forever part of our family. God’s plan is so much better than ours!

Our daughter needed parents who had been willing to fight for her mom and who would be willing to continue to love and pray for her and allow contact when she was in a healthy place. She needed a mama who had been in her shoes and understood what it was like to NEED someone else to parent her but not WANT someone else to fill the shoes left vacant by a mom who chose something else over her. She needed a family that was a patchwork quilt of kids from hard places who all had rough beginnings in common. She needed a safe place to land and she found that in our home. God truly worked ALL things together for good (Romans 8:28) in her situation.

While there have been bumps in the road and days that I looked up at Him in exasperation, I know for sure she is right where she is supposed to be. She is home.

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Melissa Smallwood is a wife, mom to seven, Mimi to five, counselor, writer, and friend. As a former foster child, former foster mom, adoptive mom, and CASA volunteer, a passion for helping children find and stay in families is a driving force in Melissa’s life. When not working or volunteering, you can find her drinking coffee and spending time with her big, crazy family. You can find her online at her website, Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram.

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Even if you’re not personally called to foster children, I’m guessing you’ll be encouraged by these previous posts:

Six Ways to Help Foster Families
4 Things One Foster Mom Hasn’t Learned by Rachel Kelly
Fostering Trust in the Journey by Hailey Roach
Growing in Truth: Fear is a Liar by Amberly Houser

Growing in truth: Fear is a liar

May 29, 2018 by Kristin 1 Comment

Amberly Houser and I met last year at a retreat for adoptive and foster moms hosted by Hope That Binds, a western Kentucky ministry we both love. I’ve since watched her family and faith grow as she shares on social media about her journey as a foster mom.

May is Foster Care Awareness Month. Even if we aren’t called to foster care, we can support families who are and hearing their stories is good for my soul. With that in mind, please welcome Amberly to my virtual porch today as she shares an incredible story of recognizing fear is a liar and God connects people in surprising ways.

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Hi. I’m Amberly, and Kristin asked me to share about foster care, specifically our relationships with the biological family. Let me begin by introducing myself and my family: My husband Matt and I have six kids. We have three biological and three foster children who have lived with us for more than a year. Our kids are 2, 3, 4, 6, 8, and 9 years old. Yes, you read that correctly!

We began fostering in 2017 after I felt a calling that I just couldn’t escape and it’s been a whirlwind ever since.

When the “little kids,” as we call them in our house, arrived, their biological mother was incarcerated. For three months there were no visits, no communication, nothing. When she got out of jail the weekly visits started. So did my fear. I was terrified of this woman who I knew little to nothing about. I didn’t want her knowing who I was, where I lived or who my biological children were. That felt so dangerous to me.

From July 2017 to March 2018, we had weekly visits and I never met their bio mama. The social worker would transport my little kiddos to and from visits and I was completely out of the equation. Around October or their biological mother asked to meet me and I immediately said, “NO WAY!” There was no consideration, it was an automatic no. I was told she “just wanted to know where her kids were and who they were with.” I totally got that – but, still, I wasn’t willing.

Let’s fast forward to March. With an impending court date and a swirl of emotions, out of what felt like nowhere, I started wondering if I should meet her. During the past year, nothing indicated that she would be an unsafe person to know my identity and I started to believe I was afraid of nothing, of my own shadow.

I messaged my friend Celeste and said, “Do you think I should go to court and meet her?” She was like, “WHAT?!? Where did this come from?” For a week or so I tossed the idea around.

Of course, along this time the song “Fear is a Liar” by Zach Williams played on a loop on my radio. I am constantly saying Jesus is in my radio and this cemented my thoughts and my decision to run at the fear and meet bio mama D. I was acting from a place of fear and fear is not of God.

As I sat outside the courtroom, about to come unglued from anxiety, I waited for D to arrive. She had no idea I would be there waiting for her and she sat directly across the hall from me and began talking to a personal friend who was there for her. I stood up, walked forward and stuck out my hand. I said, “Hi, my name is Amberly and I am your kids foster mom.” She locked eyes with me, didn’t let go of my hand, and we just connected. She was immediately encouraging and thanked me for taking care of her kids.

After court was over we exchanged phone numbers and started texting daily. We had an immediate connection and I shared with her a year’s worth of photos she hadn’t seen. During the last couple of months, she has come to the house for Sunday lunch, attended church with us, and met us at the park. We have basically begun the task of bridging a year’s gap. I was honest with her from the get-go about why I didn’t meet her. I told her I was scared and she said she understood and even said she knew I was probably afraid. She told me she was nothing but thankful for what we had been able to provide for the little kids and she did not want me to be afraid of her.

D shared her story with me, and we have continued speaking every single day. She has become so invested in our family. We spent Mother’s Day together, she attends the birthday parties for my biological children, and she recently sat through a three-hour recital to support my youngest bio. She calls me “sissy” and constantly tells me she loves me. But the thing is – we love her just as much. She’s the most positive person I’ve ever been around and is a constant encouragement.

What this looks like now is more beautiful than I could have ever imagined. As far as the impact this has on the kids, it’s wonderful. They know she and I are on the same page and have high expectations of them. If they get in trouble at daycare we will message her and she will fuss at them and remind them how we all expect them to behave. She sat alongside me at the boys’ preschool program. The oldest little kid – R – will proudly tell everyone that he has two moms. He says, “I have a brown mom and a white mom!” We tell him how lucky he is to have two mamas who love him so much.

This isn’t traditional parenting or maybe what you would design, but, let me tell you, it’s absolutely the closest I’ve ever felt to Jesus. I know he is working and bringing us together. We are able to witness firsthand the redemptive power of our Savior, which is humbling and breathtaking.

Fear kept me from this relationship for a year, but I’m certain God is bringing beauty from the ashes of this situation. Fear is a liar.

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Amberly Houser is a mother, wife, and self-proclaimed hot mess. By day, she’s an elementary school teacher. By night, she drives kids to and from practices in her big blue bus while blaring Jesus music. Donuts are the way to her heart, followed closely by snarky T-shirts and Bible journaling. She prays God will show her the front of the puzzle box, but He keeps handing her one piece at a time. She believes she can accomplish anything in a day with a cup of coffee, dry shampoo, and fake lashes. This is the story of her life and what it’s like to Grow Up Houser.

Fostering trust in the journey

May 16, 2018 by Kristin 13 Comments

Hailey and I become friends when I started volunteering at Life House Care Center, where she worked at the time. She’s taken our family pictures and brought her dog to be a guest at Rachel’s second birthday puppy party. We connect easily and she’s been an encouragement to me as she lives out her faith.

One way Hailey and her husband, Jordan, are living our their faith is as foster parents. May is Foster Care Awareness Month, so please welcome her to #PorchStories today as she shares about her journey into foster care.

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When Kristin asked me to write something for her blog about foster care, I immediately said “yes.” Of course, I want to talk and advocate for foster care, but where do I even start and what part do I talk about? There are so many entities and emotions wrapped up in foster care that it is hard to pick just one thing to talk about. However, after contemplating it all I decided to go with something I wrote the night before our first placement came.

I wanted to be Jonah. I wanted to run from what God was telling me to do. You see, the thing is, God has a way of calling us out of our comfort zone. That day I felt like He was calling me an eternity away from my comfort zone.

We had finally received our “yes” to being foster parents. We went to the classes, we did the online training, we filled out all the paperwork, and then we were certified. We had two little rooms set up in our home. One was a nursery and one was a little more adaptable for different age groups. Both were gender neutral and ready to accept whatever may come.

In my head, it would be one maybe two (a sibling set). Young kids/babies, most definitely, because that sounded easier to me. I knew what to do with little kids. I knew how to change a diaper. I could picture all the cute little outfits. I had already stocked up on several items that we would need for small children. We had said our age range was 0-7 years, but we might go a little older if we felt it was a good fit. Honestly, I wasn’t planning on much older until later in the process. Maybe after our first couple of placements. Maybe after we have our own biological children.

But often times our plans are not God’s plans. My husband called me while I was at work this one particular day. I didn’t answer because I was in a class with students. Then he texted “need to talk” and then “foster kids.” You see, they did this thing where they didn’t call me and instead called my husband knowing that this sounded more up his ally. They didn’t call about a little baby or two young siblings. They called about two middle school kids.

At this point, I am RUNNING and trying not to puke. I gave my first instinct of an answer: “No!!!” Yes, I would love to help these kids and I hate they are in this situation, but this just isn’t ideal. Needless to say, that answer didn’t work.

With much deliberation (tears, talking to mentors, communicating with our caseworker), we said “yes.” Even after we had accepted the placement, I still felt like running. My fleshly side was still telling me that running was a good idea. I had no idea what I was going to do with middle school kids. They are old enough to be my siblings. I am super awkward when it comes to this age.

But these were all thoughts straight from the devil. God was revealing Himself in this situation when I took the time to stop and listen to Him. My support team was still there, even though it wasn’t the way I planned it.

The thing is, this is what I signed up for. I said yes to God when He asked me to be a foster mom. I agreed to this journey.

I have to be open to the journey, not just open to what I want.

{Tweet that.}

I have ugly cried my eyes out at times, but God is taking a mess filled with sinful thoughts and actions and turning it into something beautiful. I am relying on Him, and that’s how this is supposed to be.

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Hailey Roach lives happily in Hazel, Ky., where she’s married to the preacher, has a house and heart graced with the presence of foster kids, and has a little farm filled with fun critters.

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