Kristin Hill Taylor

Seeking God as the Author of Every Story

sanctified & broken

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“Be the light in the cracks
Be the one that’s mending the camel’s back
Slow to anger and quick to laugh
Be more heart and less attack

Be the wheels, not the track
Be the wanderer that’s coming back
Leave the past right where it’s at
Be more heart and less attack …”

This year I found myself stuck — emotionally and spiritually. I was mentally still reeling from some changes over the past few years that changed how and when I could process externally what was going on in my everyday life. I had poured out everything I had relationally and not positioned myself to let God refill me. I was trying to navigate the tension between my first-born, perfectionist-leaning ways and my son who is all middle child and was diagnosed with ADHD earlier in the year. Plus childhood junk crept in my present ordinary days.

I ended up making a call to schedule my first-ever counseling session. We’ve since met seven times the past couple months and our conversations have been one avenue God has used to restore my soul.

“… The more you take, the less you have
‘Cause it’s you in the mirror that’s staring back
Quick to let go, slow to react
Be more heart and less attack

Ever growing, steadfast
And if need be, the one that’s in the gap
Be the never turning back
Twice the heart any man could have …”

Our conversations in that counseling room have bounced back and forth from all the goodness in my life to how I always see room for improvement. And I’ve felt brave for doing this hard work.

We’ve addressed the reality of this season I’m in parenting tween girl emotions, elementary boy behavior, and toddler shenanigans. We’ve talked about stress and worked on a shift in perspective that accepts reality and makes time – even in small pockets throughout the day – to regroup. We talked about how I’m the opposite of ADHD yet I’m equipped to teach my son the routines and time management skills he needs and my boy is in a position to help me enjoy ordinary life.

None of this is exactly news, but it’s been freeing for me to sit for an hour and process life with a third party. With that, I’ve recognized we don’t have to bring the pieces of ourselves to God polished and put together.

God will take all the shatters & slivers
to make something beautiful.

{Tweet that.}

These lyrics scattered throughout the post are from Needtobreathe’s “More Heart, Less Attack.” This band has been the soundtrack to my last few years. Certain songs remind me of what I’ve seen God do in my life and in the lives around me. Other songs take me back to places I want to remember.

“… I stuck my hat out
I caught the raindrops
I drank the water
I felt my veins pop
I’m nearly sanctified
I’m nearly broken
I’m down the river, I’m nearly open
I’m down the river, to where I’m going”

So hearing so many of my favorite songs at a live acoustic show Sunday night was special – and it was my first experience at The Ryman Auditorium. Greg and I have seen NTB live three other times — all full band shows at outdoor amphitheaters. It’s always wonderful, but this show was so well timed. Ellie & Drew Holcomb showed up to sing “Stones Under Rushing Water” and Gavin DeGraw joined them for a completely unplugged version of “Brother.”

And God showed up – in the songs, in the auditorium that felt like church in all the good ways, and in my reflections of this year that broke and built me in so many ways.

*****

In addition to counseling, I made myself a playlist that speaks truth about God is my rescuer. I thought you might like it too. I’ve also read a few books I’d recommend to you: “Fiercehearted: Live Fully, Love Bravely” by Holley Gerth {review}; “Kill the Spider: Getting Rid of What’s Really Holding You Back” by Carlos Whittaker; and “If You Only Knew: My Unlikely, Unavoidable Story of Becoming Free” by Jamie Ivey {review}. These few books are definitely at the top of my list from 2017, but here’s the entire list of what I’ve read.

*****

Kristin Hill Taylor - Porch Stories
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Six Things I Learned in November

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I’m not even going to pretend to understand how today is the last day of November or how it’s time to cut down a Christmas tree! Y’all, seriously, it’s almost 2018. Okay, I know, let’s not get ahead of myself. So, back to November. It was a fun whirlwind and before it’s totally gone, here are Six Things I Learned in November.

1. My book is at the library!

Seriously. The Calloway County Public Library has “Peace in the Process” on its biography section. Just a few books down from Tim Tebow’s book.

2. Two favorite foods combined are delicious!

Cracker Barrel has Cinnamon Streusel French Toast on its seasonal menu. We were driving home from Texas and I intended to get done vegetables at Cracker Barrel. But then I didn’t. Because cinnamon rolls and French toast are my favorites and I couldn’t resist having them combined.

3. Counseling is valuable.

I’m an external processor who doesn’t have much alone time so sitting down weekly this month with a third party has been valuable as I process some things about my personality, where I came from, where I want to go, and how so many are twisted together in my mind. Specifically, I’m navigating some parenting stresses.

Like I shared on Instagram the other day, I’m a Type A perfectionist and for so long I’ve channeled my personality into being efficient and productive. But here I am a decade into motherhood with a tween girl who requires deeper conversations as she learns how to process her emotions, a middle boy who requires training and guidance related to his behavior and choices, and a toddler girl who is into and onto everything with no fear.

Honestly, it’s stressful sometimes because my default is to micromanage them. Except that doesn’t work. Then I find myself stressed. They’ve got their own personalities and defaults. I come into this season with experiences that have influenced and warped my perspectives.

Right now I’m undoing and rebuilding and processing this new work God is doing in my heart. It’s taking some time because I’m stubborn and set in my own (sometimes unhealthy) ways, but I believe God is at work here. I’m grateful for the process that includes counseling and for the hope that is found in Jesus, who ushers peace into the chaos and light into the darkness.

4. A gratitude challenge was what my soul needed.

Jennifer Dukes Lee initiated a #30DaysOfGratitude challenge that has been good for me. It’s prompted me to remember the details that matter and gain some perspective about how truly blessed we are. (I posted each day on Instagram and Facebook, so follow me there, if you don’t already.)

I’m also excited about the Project Life collage I’m going to put together to document these 30 days of naming specific things for which I’m thankful.

5. Two trips in less than two weeks is a lot.

But we had fun in (and around) Austin the second (long) weekend of the month and then in Branson, Missouri, for the long Thanksgiving weekend.

When we weren’t traveling those two weeks, Greg squeezed in a lot of work, we hosted Friendsgiving, we celebrated Ben’s 8th birthday, and we had our kitchen floor tiled. Yep. It was a busy month.

6. I need to be less like a factory.

I listened to Jason Miller preach about seasons, fields, and factories on a podcast Annie Downs referenced on her podcast. I started listening while I was driving one day, but I had to wait and listen one morning at my kitchen table so I could take notes.

You should listen.

But if you don’t, basically, faith and life journeys are more like fields, where there are variables we have to discern as we prune and plant and grow. Too often I function more like a factory, where there’s a system in place that controls all the variables and produces the same thing every time.

On repeat in my head: I need to be more flexible than a factory.

(And, yes, this ties back into what I’ve been learning through counseling too. God is coming at me from all angles with the same messages!)

*****

It’s been a fun month sharing our story across the internet for National Adoption Awareness Month as I’ve hosted others’ stories here …

… and shared pieces of our story elsewhere.

I also have autographed copies of my book available if y’all still need to get one. Just let me know!