adoption

How to bond with an adopted baby

March 28, 2022 by Kristin Leave a Comment

Adoption involves so many decisions, but those decisions don’t end when the baby or child comes home because then the bonding process needs to happen. And that process involves much intentionality and patience.

I held each of my babies on the days they were born and bonding came naturally for us. I’m incredibly thankful for that. This year as my son navigates his identity as a middle schooler, I’ve actually seen firsthand how there’s a deep separation that happens when a baby is bonded to someone not his biological mother.

Honestly, I wouldn’t change anything about bonding with our babies. We were there from the beginning and we’ve been there nearly every day since. We’ve told them stories about their birth families and celebrated the faithfulness of God who made us a family. I’ve hardly spent significant time and rarely overnight away from my kids.

Yet the separation that affects kids of different ages is a real thing. Of course, it varies because every child is navigating different circumstances and has unique personalities.

Don’t rush the process

When you adopt a baby, you’ll want to bond with her as quickly as possible. It can take some time – even if you start on day one. Honestly, thinking about the different adopted families I know, the younger the baby, the quicker bonding will happen, although there are exceptions to that thought.

Remember: All babies cry, so tears don’t mean a lack of bonding.

Bonding happens with each snuggle, diaper change, bottle, and burp. Just keep going. Yes, of course, it can feel monotonous, but it’s all working for the good of your relationship.

Care in the right way

I know when the nurse handed me hours-old Cate, I wasn’t sure what I was doing. That feeling continues all through my parenting years, although I’m more confident now. Don’t be ashamed if you need to learn to care for your baby, adopted or otherwise. There are so many resources out there, so don’t hesitate if you need to take a class or have a conversation with an older mom.

Each baby is different, which is both freeing and terrifying for moms. They’ll respond to things differently and have specific preferences about eating and sleeping.

Alongside this, you’ll need to know how to treat particular conditions, such as baby heat rash. These can be relatively common and easy to take care of, although you’ll need to know what you’re doing. Don’t be afraid to call the pediatrician either!

Don’t forget family support

I don’t know who claimed it takes a village to raise a child, but that person knew what she was talking about. While you won’t need an entire village every moment of every day, you will need support. That should begin with your spouse and then go outward to family and friends.

Some families who adopt choose to “cocoon” with their new addition. This can be particularly important when bringing home a child from another country. Hunkering down as your immediate family can help to bond when a child has lots of cultural and language adjustments. But still don’t forget to ask for help from people outside your home. They can bring groceries, meet you in the driveway for chats, or assist in whatever other ways will free you up to care for your adopted child.

Focus on eye contact

Communication with your child is vital. An overlooked aspect of this is eye contact. Getting and maintaining this can be tricky, although it shouldn’t be difficult as you go about all the hands-on care for a baby. You can play peek-a-book, make funny faces, and sing songs while you feed or diaper.

These small moments help develop routines and traditions within your family too. We still sing bedtime songs to two of our kids and the song choices are the same ones we sang when they were tiny in our laps in the nursery rocking chair.

Start traditions

Since bonding takes time and is an ongoing process, it’s something you should think long-term about. Starting some family traditions now can help you bond more effectively with your child in the years and decades ahead.

Doing so now will give you memories to look back on when your child is older. Because they may be too young to remember them, it’s worth documenting them. That’s why I love scrapbooking and posting on social media. I want to remember and I want them to remember.

If you’ve adopted a baby from abroad, then it’s worth considering some holidays from the country you adopted them from. In the future, they’ll appreciate how you helped them learn and maintain parts of their cultural heritage.

Take care of yourself

When you have a baby – regardless of who you became a mom – it’s easy to put their needs ahead of yours. That doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t look after yourself.

You’ve probably heard about postpartum depression. Though this applies to women who have given birth, there’s a similar condition called post-adoption depression. If you fail to look after yourself, the likelihood of developing this could increase. Be sure to take the time to look after your needs – even simple ones like eating meals, taking showers, and catching up with a friend.

Other ways to bond

There are multiple other ways that you can bond with your baby. When doing so, you’ll need to keep in mind that each child is different. That’s really become such a mantra in my own motherhood. Kids go through similar situations as they grow up, but how they handle things certainly varies.

Bonds need to be created with biological babies too, but the following two strategies can be especially helpful with adopted babies:

Snuggling: Showing your child affection and cuddling them helps you bond with them while also helping you look after them. It’ll encourage increased closeness over time. I’ve got one kid who is now in kindergarten but still considers snuggling her love language.
The Kangaroo Method: Skin-to-skin contact is essential to bonding with a baby. New fathers can even bond with their babies this way. Try carrying your baby in a sling to encourage more skin-to-skin contact while promoting bonding with them.

Figuring out how to bond with an adopted baby can be complicated. Each child has their specific needs, but as long as you’re trying you’ll figure out the best way for each child. Timing will vary from child to child too, but be patient and keep going. Yes, bonding with babies is important, but it’s also essential to maintain those bonds as the babies grow into toddlers and elementary school children, and teenagers.

Parenthood doesn’t stop at a particular age, but laying the foundation from the beginning is the best way to begin.

*****

Bonding is just one aspect of bringing an adopted baby home. If you looking for more adoption resources, check out my “Peace in the Process” page, where you can learn more about my book, listen to a playlist, and read other articles.

What adoption looks like years later

November 15, 2021 by Kristin Leave a Comment

When a family is preparing to adopt and bringing a baby or child home, you may hear much about it. There’s such anticipation and preparation. Perhaps you’ve given money to an adoption fundraiser or prayed for people waiting and working through a pile of paperwork.

We brought home three kids through three separate private adoption processes. Now those babies are 14, nearly 12, and 6. We don’t talk as much about adoption in our everyday conversations.

But we still talk about it.

A dear friend who adopted kids and has worked with families in the midst of trauma advised me: If you can’t remember the last time you talked about adoption, you should talk about it. That really made sense to me and I’ve carried that truth into this season of parenting that is less about how they came to be Taylors and more about what it means to be Taylors.

Rachel is the age Cate was when she met her birth mom for the first time. Rachel had multiple coffee and lunch dates with her birth mom and me in the months after she was born. She may not remember but I do. Ben hasn’t met his birth mom, but we’ve told him more and more details as he’s gotten older. He expresses less interest but wonders more about what ifs. Cate is very matter of fact about it all. Rachel is still asking lots of questions.

While their adoption stories have similarities, they also are as unique as their personalities. Adoption has common themes regardless of the details, but each story comes with its own highs and lows. And that’s okay.

We have a community of other families created through adoption, so, thankfully, it’s not weird for my kids to know others know how God built our family. These stories are our testimony of God’s faithfulness. While some details are private, we never wanted to hoard the celebration of God making ways through the wilderness.

In Rachel’s kindergarten class, four of the fourteen kids were adopted. One of Cate’s closest friends has two brothers who were adopted. Her health teacher knew she might not have as much medical history as her classmates. When Ben was a kindergartner, I got to be friends with a classmate’s mom because we were both adding to our families through adoption and our families still share life together.

These ties and others that bind are strong and valuable — and that’s one of the reasons we will always talk about adoption.

*****

I’ve written much more about bringing these babies home in my book, “Peace in the Process: How Adoption Built My Faith & My Family,” which is available on Amazon or from me directly. I also have some free goodies, including a sample chapter and lists of resources, available on my website.

Bringing home an adopted baby

August 4, 2021 by Kristin Leave a Comment

As I prepare for my youngest baby to go to kindergarten next week, I’ve been reflecting on how we got here. The short history: God made us a family of five through adoption three times. Each time, bringing home those babies was a highlight of my life.

Now those three babies are 14, 11, and 5. For the first time in my mothering life, all three kids will be in full-time school. But, first, I wanted to share some ways you can prepare yourself for the arrival of your newly adopted child.

Some of these practical things you’ll want to do are just like you’d do for a biological newborn, but other things are adoption-specific. Of course, as you begin an adoption process you’ll work with an agency and attorney who will also help you prepare.

(Want more adoption resources? I’ve got some for you!)

Update your health insurance

In Kentucky, you can add the baby to your health insurance as soon as you have guardianship, even before the adoption is finalized. Even before that, you can give your insurance company a head’s up so they know you’re in the process of growing your family. In some states, you have to purchase a separate insurance policy. The good news is most companies will allow the addition of an adopted child to your existing plan as long as it does not lapse in coverage before adding them.

Please, consider updating your health insurance as soon as possible to include the new members and ultimately improve the value of your family. Once the adoption is finalized, that child is exactly like a biological child on paper, but you may have to amend the original policy once the court recognizes the adoption.

Locate a pediatrician

We are thankful our pediatrician actually has adopted children of his own! Locating a pediatrician can be very important as they will be the medical provider your child sees regularly. You also want to find someone willing and able to work with you if there are any special considerations for your baby’s care, such as therapies like physical therapy, occupational therapy, and speech therapy.

If you are adopting from out of the country, some additional considerations may affect your decision on who to use for pediatrician care. Larger cities have multi-specialty clinics that regularly work with adoptive families.

Prepare your house

As part of the adoption process, you’ll work with social workers who make sure your home is ready for a baby — or whatever age child you’re bringing home! As any parent, you’ll need items such as an infant seat, crib, blankets, clothes, diapers, and wipes. Be sure to check out a crib mattress size guide visual to buy a fitting mattress for your baby’s comfort and safety.

Of course, sharp knives and medicines should be safely secured well out of a child’s reach. As a baby grows and starts crawling and walking, you’ll need to babyproof the house even more.

Name for your child

Naming your baby is such an exciting and essential task. This was one of my favorite parts of preparing to bring babies home.

We liked to use family members’ names as inspiration when naming our babies. Catherine Anna is named after my mom and Greg’s grandma; Benjamin Lucas shares my grandpa’s middle name; and Rachel Elizabeth has a middle name that has belonged to both my sister and Greg’s great-grandma.

Spend time around babies

Before becoming a mom, I hadn’t spent much time around babies. When you’re preparing for the arrival of your adopted child, it’s important to have some understanding of what babies are like in general, even before learning about your baby’s personality and temperament.

Observe how babies and kids play, interact with others and react to different environments or situations. By spending time among children in these early stages, you may gain an even greater appreciation for why you made this decision.

Another way to familiarize yourself with children is to be aware of best first aid practices and consider being trained in CPR.

Like any new season of life, bringing babies home could have some surprises, but preparing for your family to grow will help the beautiful, life-changing transition.

*****

I share much more about our specific adoption processes in my book, “Peace in the Process: How Adoption Built My Faith & My Family.” I have other adoption resources on my website too.