Kristin Hill Taylor

Seeking God as the Author of Every Story

Reflections on living & dying

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I knew I wanted to gather some old friends to celebrate my 40th birthday. Four dear friends (and three of their husbands and kids) joined my family at my lake house for the first weekend of May. They brought gifts, memories, and all the food we needed to feed our party of 23 people.

Jaclyn, Sarah, Katie, and Bekah hadn’t all met before, but I have histories with them that span decades, literally. Some of our stories have overlapped, but I knew this was the right group of people to gather together.

Starting in 1990, Katie was my next-door-neighbor-turned-best-friend for all of middle and high school and we remain friends across the state who wish we were neighbors. Bekah and I also were friends in middle and high school. We swam together, she introduced me to country music, and we continue to gather at Christmastime and other times we have extra time when we’re visiting my mom in Louisville. (Fun side note: I encouraged her and her now-husband to date, so they blame me and thank me in the same breath. I’ve actually known her husband Barrett longer than anyone who was at my lake house that weekend!)

Jaclyn and I met in college and had intersecting friends starting in the fall of 1998. We actually got closer after college, got married the same summer, walked through infertility and all the early days of motherhood literally together, and now miss each other if we go too many days without hanging out. Our husbands and kids are tight too. Sarah walked into our church in May 2009, pregnant with Davey who would become my Ben’s first friend, and we’ve basically been friends since. She’s since moved four hours away, but we have an ongoing, never-ending text conversation that brings me so much joy.

Jaclyn and Katie put together a book of blessings and memories from all kinds of people in my life. Jaclyn gave me other goodies and helped organize the whole weekend. Sarah gave me a felt letter board with a sweet message already displayed. (The quote is a reference from a book about friendship by Melanie Shankle that Jaclyn, Sarah, and I like to quote to each other.) Katie made me a T-shaped shelf that’s already hanging on my wall. Bekah bought my dinner when us girls went out for Mexican food one of the night’s together.

Our boys fished and caught enough bluegill and catfish to feed us lunch on Sunday. The older girls made friendship bracelets, had a sleepover in the basement one night, and helped us keep track of the little girls. We went on some boat rides, laughed at memories, told back stories, and ate well.

My soul was so filled with these
new memories with old friends.

The celebrating continued on Monday when some of my friends I know from my kids’ school gathered for breakfast together. It was such a sweet way to begin the new week celebrating some more. Forty certainly had me reflective and craving all the quality time with people I love.

I wanted to celebrate with my people, but God knew I would need to be filled to the brim with love and support as the week continued. God saw beyond my 40th birthday.

My dad went into cardiac arrest the evening of May 7 – four days after I turned 40, one day after Cate turned 12, and five days before Mother’s Day. He passed away about 35 hours later, on Thursday, May 9. (Here’s his obituary.)

He had been without oxygen three different times – for an undetermined amount of time when he went into cardiac arrest, on the way to the hospital in the ambulance, and again in the emergency room. His body never recovered and I watched him stop breathing while hooked to a ventilator and lots of medicines in an Indianapolis hospital.

I haven’t written much about my dad here because our relationship was complicated. For years, I’ve grieved not having the kind of relationship I wish we had. My dad and how I’ve long longed for his approval and attention were the subjects of conversations in counseling. I’d forgiven him and tried to share my life with him, even from a distance.

Regardless of the complications, he was my dad. Right after I was filled from my birthday, I found myself unexpectedly grieving. As Dad was unresponsive in the hospital bed, I learned things about his life in Indianapolis I didn’t know. Even my grief has been complicated and in the days since his death, I’ve found myself beneath a cloud of emotions.

With three kids, the end of the school year, and my everyday life here, I have been able to step out from beneath the cloud, but then when I’m not distracted anymore, it’s still there. Grief is tricky. And I’m so grateful I was filled to the brim with love and support before I had to begin to navigate my dad’s death.

I have questions I wish I could ask him. I want to hold onto hope for a little longer. I remember him as an innovative educator who created an environment at an elementary school for most of my childhood and then a middle school just a little farther down the road that teachers, parents, and students loved. He excelled in his profession.

Three of the friends who gathered at my lake house knew my dad. We had actually talked about some childhood memories involving him just days before he died. Looking back even a couple of weeks, God was preparing me. I didn’t realize it then, obviously, but, for as unexpected as the timing was, I also found comfort in his death being sandwiched between so much life.

How community heals

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Photo courtesy Elizabeth Sands Wise // This Sacramental Life

I was laying in the hammock on the front porch, reading a book and texting with a couple of people when I heard my 7-year-old son Ben crying and moaning. Along with his dad, he was out of sight but obviously in ear range on the other side of our pine forest burning some brush. When they lit the fire, it flared up and Ben was too close.

I knew something was wrong when I heard my boy, so I rushed through the house, grabbed my rain boots and ran through the forest to the guys and the burn pile. I saw Greg spraying Ben with water.

As soon as they told me what happened, I knew we needed to go to the emergency room. There wasn’t evidence of burns yet, but Ben was clearly in pain. We walked quickly back to the house, changed Ben out of his wet clothes, got more comfortable shoes for me, put more water on his hands, and took off for the local ER, which is about 15 minutes away.

Long story short: Ben was transferred to Vanderbilt Medical Center, where he spent two nights in the burn unit being treated for second-degree burns on his hands and face. Recovery is expected to take two weeks and is progressing well.

There’s a lot I could tell you about these circumstances and what they’ve done for our family. Obviously, Ben has suffered pain, but the emotions have been all over the place for all of us. We’ve been scared and worried and relieved and thankful. Our family of five has been changed – in good ways – because trauma offers perspective.

But what I want to tell you about is how our community of people – our closest friends, acquaintances who want to help, school friends, church friends, Facebook friends who get peeks in our lives – has surrounded us with prayers, encouragement, meals, supplies, medical advice, and their presence.

Seeing the church in action is beautiful.

{Tweet that.}

My son’s face has grown new skin already and his hands are raw but doing the same. I’ve shed tears because seeing my boy uncomfortable is hard and caring for him involves a whole new skill set for me that’s been overwhelming.

But even more powerful than all of that has been how we’ve been overwhelmed with the love and prayers. When I told Ben how hundreds of people were praying for him, he was amazed. Truly, I am too – not because I doubt God or my friends but because coming alongside trauma can be hard.

I’ve gotten so many texts that offer prayers and love. People ask what they can do with genuine kindness. Friends have done things like show up at my house with Dilly Bars and a prayer spoken aloud over my boy, fasted for a day because she wanted to pray for us, given of their time to help Ben with his stretches that he doesn’t always want to do for his parents, brought meals and treats, and run my errands.

“Being willing to be a neighbor in the heart sense of the word is being willing to connect with the people who God puts in our path. It’s doing life together, especially the hard parts. It’s choosing friendship on purpose.”

– Lisa-Jo Baker in “Never Unfriended”

Some of our neighbors have shown up at our house, where Ben doesn’t usually wear a shirt and has a Vaseline-like medicine all over his face. Others have shown up in texts and on Voxer. Some of sent love through the postal service. Regardless of where they are, I’m grateful they’re my neighbors and have showed up in my life, especially this week.

And, truly, our neighbors who are friends have helped my son heal.

Ben is 100% extrovert and was asking if people were coming to visit before we left the hospital. So I’m glad they showed up because that’s what helped him to get up and moving his hands. He’s played the Wii with almost everyone who has walked in our house and forgotten that his hands were wrapped in gauze.

This is what friendship is about. It helps us heal from trauma and reminds us that even the scary stories can have beauty.

*****

Lisa-Jo Baker’s “Never Unfriended” spoke deeply into my friendship-loving soul, but it’s more than a book about friendship. I expected to like this book because I appreciate Lisa-Jo Baker’s encouraging writing and friendship is one of my favorite topics in life. I didn’t expect this book to seep into so many areas of my life – my marriage, my relationships with my kids, my friendships (of course), hurt from my past I may not have fully dealt with, and my everyday faith. But this book is powerful and rocked my thinking in ways that have changed me as a friend, yes, but even more deeply as a Christ follower.

I was on the “Never Unfriended” launch team and received an advanced copy of the book to read and review, but I really love it so much I’ve already ordered another copy to share with a friend. Learn more about the book at its website or Amazon.

Supporting Foster Families {and looking after orphans}

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Most people know I became a mom through adoption – three times. I’ve shared that a couple hard years of infertility is how God led Greg and I to adoption. We had no idea what we were getting into, but once we were there, we knew that’s where we were supposed to be.

Adoption wasn’t our Plan B, but infertility was the heartache God used to get our attention. Obviously, not everyone is called to adoption. But God does call his followers to care for the fatherless and orphans.

“Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.”

–James 1:27

Sometimes caring for orphans does mean growing your family through adoption or foster care, but many times it looks like helping families who are walking through these processes, participating in programs that help feed and clothe orphans, or supporting businesses that give to orphan care.

Through the ministry to adoptive mommas God built up around me, I’ve gotten to learn much about fostering recently. I have friends who have foster babies in their homes right now. I know others who are getting certified so they can serve this way.

I’ve been thinking about how when we – as believers – claim to be pro-life, we have to do more than protest abortion. We don’t have to adopt or foster, but we do have to serve children who need love and moms who are choosing life. And some of those children and mommas are wrapped up in the foster system.

May is National Foster Care Month. So I wanted to share some ways you – wherever you are, whether you’re married or single, regardless of how big your family is – can serve families who are choosing to foster. {Tweet that.}

Show up with a meal. Any time a regular routine is interrupted – even with something happy like new life – it’s hard to get to the grocery, plan meals, and prepare meals. And whatever you bring doesn’t have to be gourmet. Go to the local BBQ restaurant and get enough meat and sides to provide a few meals to the family adjusting to its new normal. Have a pizza delivered to them. Double whatever you’re making for your own family.

Offer specific help. Think about this family’s life and offer to do something specific – go to the grocery, do laundry, sit with the baby so momma can shower, or mow the lawn. Texts that say “Let me know what I can do” are well-intentioned, but saying “I’m at the grocery store, what I can I get you?” are more practical.

Provide care for other children. With the foster system come many appointments (pediatrician checkups, visitation with bio family, etc.) the family doesn’t have much control over. If you know a family who is fostering a little one, offer to help with any older kids in the home.

Be on call to get supplies. Foster situations often happen with little time to spare. If you know someone who suddenly has a new child in the home, offer to run to Walmart to get diapers, formula, clothes, activities, or whatever else that child may need. Children often come into foster homes with almost nothing.

Let parents give gifts. Foster children have a lot of people in and out of their lives. So, if you have something special to give a child, let the parents do that for bonding purposes. Depending on your relationship with the family, you may get a chance to bond with the child too, but give that time.

Understand you may not understand. Even if you weren’t called to foster, your friend was. Be a listening ear and be there for whatever practical support is necessary, but don’t judge the way she’s bonding with a child that may not be in her home forever. This child needs love – and with that comes attachment. Yes, it’s hard. But God doesn’t promise he’ll call us only to easy things. He calls us to sanctify us – and that usually means doing something hard. In fostering, there’s the emotional challenges as well as the complications that come with a flawed system and its logistically issues.

If you do some of these things I shared – or other things that make sense for the people in your life – then you’re serving orphans because your friends need you while they’re in the trenches. And my guess is you’ll get a whole new perspective that draws you nearer to God.

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 Thanks for your grace last week when I had a schedule snafu that threw off the post I thought I had prepared for #ThreeWordWednesday. Life happens sometimes. I’m glad to be back this week! And I’ve got several giveaways opens, if you’re want to join me there too: “The League and The Lantern” book for tweens. Jeremy Camp CDs. The new “ESV Family Devotional Bible.”


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