We want to adopt, so now what?

It’s a question people have asked me many times. I don’t have all the answers, but I love being able to share information with families who desire to grow their family in this way. I’m answering the “now what?” question for those who want to adopt.

{Not everyone is called to adopt, but there are reasons adoption & orphan awareness should matter to everyone.}

I’ll start with a disclaimer that many typical adoptions aren’t typical. Adoption is relational – so it involves people, and their emotions. Yes, it involves a family desiring to adopt and a woman choosing adoption for the baby she’s carrying, but it also involves the child, birth families, adoptive family relatives, social workers, attorneys, hospital nurses and staff, court workers, and probably others. So when you put that many people together, it’s typical that things may not look like you expect.

1. Consider what kind of adoption you’re going to pursue.

Domestic or international is the first decision. If you’re thinking international, there’s criteria for each country and come countries are more stable than others. If you’re thinking domestic, you can go about that a few different ways: An agency can facilitate the process, including doing your home study, training, and match with a birth mom. Private adoptions involve social workers and attorneys, but you wouldn’t use an agency to connect with a birth mom. Then there’s the foster system. Depending on your domestic adoption route, you could have a closed, semi-open, or open relationship with the biological family.

I’ll go ahead and tell you when we started pursuing adoption, we knew nothing. I was burnt out from a hard, emotional season of infertility and wanted a break from appointments. So we told people we wanted to adopt, but we didn’t officially pursue an agency or any official route. Then an open, private adoption fell in our laps – thanks, God! – so that’s what did. We loved it so much we ended up – again, thanks be to God! – doing it two more times.

If you’re new here, we have three kids – Cate is 9, Ben is almost 7, and Rachel is 1. We met Cate’s birth mom through my sister and she delivered in Indiana, so this domestic adoption also involved the Interstate Compact Act. Ben and Rachel were born in our hometown. We met Ben’s birth mom through our attorney friend and Rachel’s birth mom through a local friend. We went to appointments with their birth moms and were there when each of them were born. I have relationships with each birth mom still, although each one is different and has changed with time.

Private adoptions can look like ours or they can also involve having a profile book of your family on file with an adoption attorney or, in some areas, a pregnancy crisis center.

2. Get a home study done.

Regardless of what kind of adoption you pursue or end up finding yourself in the midst of, you’ll need a home study. This is also the mountain of paperwork you’ve probably heard about: birth certificates, medical information, financial records, background checks, answers to questions about why you desire to adopt, and whatever other blanks need to filled, Ts crossed and Is dotted. The home study process also includes home visits from a social worker, but this doesn’t need to be stressful because they’re just making sure you have a place to house and raise a child. They will not look in your drawers or inspect the dust bunnies under your couch.

Now, some agencies do home studies and placements, but there are also agencies that do home studies and then refer clients to placement agencies. With international adoption, most agencies that facilitate these processes work with specific countries and not every open country.

3. Prepare and wait.

Once you’re into the process, there are many hurry-up-and-wait moments. You’ll need to get things done, only to wait to be matched or connected with a birth mom or child. You’ll be connected, but then wait on more paperwork and on birth or travel to actually bring your child home.

“So you, by the help of your God, return, hold fast to love and justice, and wait continually for your God.”

– Hosea 12:6 ESV

I looked up “wait” after reading that verse recently and the definition from Blue Letter Bible reminded me about adoption: “Look for, hope, expect, to collect and bind together.” Seasons of waiting are part of life. We’re always waiting on someone or something.

Pursing adoption certainly involves waiting on so many variables out of our control. But God wants us to wait for him continually – over and over again. We wait to bring that baby home, but, really, we wait and expect God to show up once He’s collected us into a family too.

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