Kristin Hill Taylor

Seeking God as the Author of Every Story

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Helping adopted teens belong

June 8, 2022 by Kristin Leave a Comment

The teenage years get a bad rap – and they certainly can be difficult. But they can also be wonderful, at least in my brief time raising a teenager. 

Our family was created by three adoption processes when our children were newborns. Now they’re 6, 12, and 15. That’s one teenager and one less than six months from becoming one! And, let me let you in on a little secret, I like having big kids. They’re fun and funny. I enjoy being with them and making memories. Of course, they have hormones and social awkwardness too. (Read our adoption stories in my book, “Peace in the Process: How Adoption Built My Faith & My Family.”)

Sometimes fitting can be difficult for any teenager. Along with the struggles of growing up and developing cognitive skills that will help any child become a successful adult, teenagers also have to tackle major physical and psychological changes and challenges. 

When children’s story includes adoption, there can be another layer of challenge for their sense of belonging. Whether your child has been adopted from birth, like ours, or later in childhood but has grown up in your family, or was adopted as an older child, you may have to tackle some unique challenges. 

Dealing with any challenges as a family helps secure the child’s sense of belonging in the nuclear family before going out into the world. 

Open Communication

The teenage years don’t have to mean parents and their older kids are opponents. Open communication helps families work together and stay on the same page, even when that page has to change as we navigate life. The stereotype is most teenagers don’t like talking to their parents, but fostering open communication in the early years helps those lines remain open when those toddlers grow into teenagers. I’m thankful my kids talk to me – and I remind myself of this blessing when there are so, so many words! 

One way to make yourself as the parent more approachable to teenagers is to open up to them. In the vulnerability equation, someone has to go first. It’s okay for the first step to be by the parent. Tell them how you feel, be honest about your own struggles, and share stories from your own life.

Another way to become more approachable to your children is to spend free time with them. Share a regular activity with them to take the pressure of being together. Nobody likes being lectured or interrogated, but people, including teenagers, may be happy to talk when they’re doing something they enjoy.

Privacy is okay because our teenagers are people too, but parents still need to have access to phone and email messages. Allowing teens to cultivate relationships outside the home with friends is important, but so are boundaries. A private journal is a good privacy option, but a therapist can help your teenagers to talk through their life with another, trusted person.

Language and Cultural Barriers

Some adopted children and teenagers have different cultural heritages. This could lead to attachment and belonging issues, but it can also be celebrated. Even teenagers who haven’t been adopted can have identity struggles, but cultural barriers from adoption can certainly compound this. Find ways to connect with them by eating food, listening to music, and visiting places related to their story. 

If the child or teenager speaks a different language, then a newcomer book can help them to learn English. This doesn’t just make it easier for you to communicate, but it also allows them to fit in – both in and out of your family. Of course, you may want to learn their language too to help bridge that communication gap. 

Whatever the issue, just work through it together. Don’t be afraid to find trusted people to come alongside you as you navigate life – with a teenager and whatever other season you may find yourself. 

*****

There are so many good adoption resources out there. Empowered to Connect, Jockey Being Family, and The Center for Adoption Support & Education are full of information. Find more free resources on my website.

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How to bond with an adopted baby

March 28, 2022 by Kristin Leave a Comment

Adoption involves so many decisions, but those decisions don’t end when the baby or child comes home because then the bonding process needs to happen. And that process involves much intentionality and patience. 

I held each of my babies on the days they were born and bonding came naturally for us. I’m incredibly thankful for that. This year as my son navigates his identity as a middle schooler, I’ve actually seen firsthand how there’s a deep separation that happens when a baby is bonded to someone not his biological mother. 

Honestly, I wouldn’t change anything about bonding with our babies. We were there from the beginning and we’ve been there nearly every day since. We’ve told them stories about their birth families and celebrated the faithfulness of God who made us a family.  I’ve hardly spent significant time and rarely overnight away from my kids. 

Yet the separation that affects kids of different ages is a real thing. Of course, it varies because every child is navigating different circumstances and has unique personalities. 

Don’t rush the process

When you adopt a baby,  you’ll want to bond with her as quickly as possible. It can take some time – even if you start on day one. Honestly, thinking about the different adopted families I know, the younger the baby, the quicker bonding will happen, although there are exceptions to that thought. 

Remember: All babies cry, so tears don’t mean a lack of bonding. 

Bonding happens with each snuggle, diaper change, bottle, and burp. Just keep going. Yes, of course, it can feel monotonous, but it’s all working for the good of your relationship. 

Care in the right way

I know when the nurse handed me hours-old Cate, I wasn’t sure what I was doing. That feeling continues all through my parenting years, although I’m more confident now. Don’t be ashamed if you need to learn to care for your baby, adopted or otherwise. There are so many resources out there, so don’t hesitate if you need to take a class or have a conversation with an older mom.

Each baby is different, which is both freeing and terrifying for moms. They’ll respond to things differently and have specific preferences about eating and sleeping. 

Alongside this, you’ll need to know how to treat particular conditions, such as baby heat rash. These can be relatively common and easy to take care of, although you’ll need to know what you’re doing. Don’t be afraid to call the pediatrician either!

Don’t forget family support

I don’t know who claimed it takes a village to raise a child, but that person knew what she was talking about. While you won’t need an entire village every moment of every day, you will need support. That should begin with your spouse and then go outward to family and friends. 

Some families who adopt choose to “cocoon” with their new addition. This can be particularly important when bringing home a child from another country. Hunkering down as your immediate family can help to bond when a child has lots of cultural and language adjustments. But still don’t forget to ask for help from people outside your home. They can bring groceries, meet you in the driveway for chats, or assist in whatever other ways will free you up to care for your adopted child. 

Focus on eye contact

Communication with your child is vital. An overlooked aspect of this is eye contact. Getting and maintaining this can be tricky, although it shouldn’t be difficult as you go about all the hands-on care for a baby. You can play peek-a-book, make funny faces, and sing songs while you feed or diaper. 

These small moments help develop routines and traditions within your family too. We still sing bedtime songs to two of our kids and the song choices are the same ones we sang when they were tiny in our laps in the nursery rocking chair. 

Start traditions

Since bonding takes time and is an ongoing process, it’s something you should think long-term about. Starting some family traditions now can help you bond more effectively with your child in the years and decades ahead.

Doing so now will give you memories to look back on when your child is older. Because they may be too young to remember them, it’s worth documenting them. That’s why I love scrapbooking and posting on social media. I want to remember and I want them to remember. 

If you’ve adopted a baby from abroad, then it’s worth considering some holidays from the country you adopted them from. In the future, they’ll appreciate how you helped them learn and maintain parts of their cultural heritage.

Take care of yourself

When you have a baby – regardless of who you became a mom – it’s easy to put their needs ahead of yours. That doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t look after yourself.

You’ve probably heard about postpartum depression. Though this applies to women who have given birth, there’s a similar condition called post-adoption depression. If you fail to look after yourself, the likelihood of developing this could increase. Be sure to take the time to look after your needs – even simple ones like eating meals, taking showers, and catching up with a friend. 

Other ways to bond

There are multiple other ways that you can bond with your baby. When doing so, you’ll need to keep in mind that each child is different. That’s really become such a mantra in my own motherhood. Kids go through similar situations as they grow up, but how they handle things certainly varies. 

Bonds need to be created with biological babies too, but the following two strategies can be especially helpful with adopted babies:

  • Snuggling: Showing your child affection and cuddling them helps you bond with them while also helping you look after them. It’ll encourage increased closeness over time. I’ve got one kid who is now in kindergarten but still considers snuggling her love language. 
  • The Kangaroo Method: Skin-to-skin contact is essential to bonding with a baby. New fathers can even bond with their babies this way. Try carrying your baby in a sling to encourage more skin-to-skin contact while promoting bonding with them.

Figuring out how to bond with an adopted baby can be complicated. Each child has their specific needs, but as long as you’re trying you’ll figure out the best way for each child. Timing will vary from child to child too, but be patient and keep going. Yes, bonding with babies is important, but it’s also essential to maintain those bonds as the babies grow into toddlers and elementary school children, and teenagers. 

Parenthood doesn’t stop at a particular age, but laying the foundation from the beginning is the best way to begin. 

*****

Bonding is just one aspect of bringing an adopted baby home. If you looking for more adoption resources, check out my “Peace in the Process” page, where you can learn more about my book, listen to a playlist, and read other articles.

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What adoption looks like years later

November 15, 2021 by Kristin Leave a Comment

When a family is preparing to adopt and bringing a baby or child home, you may hear much about it. There’s such anticipation and preparation. Perhaps you’ve given money to an adoption fundraiser or prayed for people waiting and working through a pile of paperwork. 

We brought home three kids through three separate private adoption processes. Now those babies are 14, nearly 12, and 6. We don’t talk as much about adoption in our everyday conversations.

But we still talk about it. 

A dear friend who adopted kids and has worked with families in the midst of trauma advised me: If you can’t remember the last time you talked about adoption, you should talk about it. That really made sense to me and I’ve carried that truth into this season of parenting that is less about how they came to be Taylors and more about what it means to be Taylors. 

Rachel is the age Cate was when she met her birth mom for the first time. Rachel had multiple coffee and lunch dates with her birth mom and me in the months after she was born. She may not remember but I do. Ben hasn’t met his birth mom, but we’ve told him more and more details as he’s gotten older. He expresses less interest but wonders more about what ifs. Cate is very matter of fact about it all. Rachel is still asking lots of questions. 

While their adoption stories have similarities, they also are as unique as their personalities. Adoption has common themes regardless of the details, but each story comes with its own highs and lows. And that’s okay. 

We have a community of other families created through adoption, so, thankfully, it’s not weird for my kids to know others know how God built our family. These stories are our testimony of God’s faithfulness. While some details are private, we never wanted to hoard the celebration of God making ways through the wilderness.  

In Rachel’s kindergarten class, four of the fourteen kids were adopted. One of Cate’s closest friends has two brothers who were adopted. Her health teacher knew she might not have as much medical history as her classmates. When Ben was a kindergartner, I got to be friends with a classmate’s mom because we were both adding to our families through adoption and our families still share life together. 

These ties and others that bind are strong and valuable — and that’s one of the reasons we will always talk about adoption. 

*****

I’ve written much more about bringing these babies home in my book, “Peace in the Process: How Adoption Built My Faith & My Family,” which is available on Amazon or from me directly. I also have some free goodies, including a sample chapter and lists of resources, available on my website. 

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About Me

Telling stories is my therapy and I love sharing them with friends on my porch.

The main characters in my stories are my entrepreneur husband, our high school girl who never forgets, our middle school boy who has no fear, and our joy-filled first-grade girl. As we live out our stories, we seek God as the author of them all.

Learn more about my story here.

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I know traveling is a privilege, but I will always I know traveling is a privilege, but I will always tell you: Take the trip. It may not be easy or convenient, but it’s always worth it. And always take lots of snacks along for the ride! 

HOW & WHY TO TRAVEL WITH KIDS is #ontheblog today. The post includes some of our travel experiences, tips for including the kids, and a tip to make it more affordable. Plus there are links to posts about some of our recent trips. 

#linkinbio #bloggerlife #momlife #travelwithkids #adventurers #getoutside #travel #travellife #travelers #choosingJOY #favoritethings
I know, “everyone” is reading “Spare” by P I know, “everyone” is reading “Spare” by Prince Harry. But I also keep hearing different opinions about it. So here’s mine!

I am intrigued by the royal family and I liked watching “Suits,” just so you know my very loose interest. I had also watched the @netflix documentary Harry and Meghan released. 

Short answer: I really enjoyed listening to this book. 

An heir, then a spare. Deep grief as a child when his mom dies that he doesn’t really confront until he’s older. An institution that governs every decision in his life yet doesn’t protect him when he felt like he needed it. That’s some heartbreaking makings of a good story. And I appreciate Prince Harry telling it — even though I’m sure parts were incredibly difficult. I also appreciate why he and Meghan did what they did and are trying to establish new, different roots. 

Ultimately, this book is about death and life and all the moments in between. I’d recommend listening to it because his voice is a good one. 

One minor, silly complaint: There are 232 chapters, although they’re numbered starting with one in each of the three sections. That makes the audiobook not flow quite as well as it would otherwise because most of them are just a few minutes long. 

I give it ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ and I’d love to hear what you think because, you know, everybody is reading it! #KHTreads #bookstagram #booklover #readersofinstagram #audiobooks #audible #princeharry
We are all in for basketball season! Tonight was @ We are all in for basketball season! Tonight was @murraystateuniv Spirit Night at the @memgrizz game. We had some pre-game fun with friends, watched the Grizzlies come back from 19 down to win, and witnessed Ja Morant’s triple double.

#memphisgrizzlies #basketballseason #NBA #TeamTaylor #bettertogether #weekending #favoritethings #RacerNation #MurrayState #WeAreRacers
Cheering for our Racers — and, really, most ever Cheering for our Racers — and, really, most everything in life — is more fun with friends! What an awesome atmosphere at the CFSB Center today with a Murray State win, Ja Morant in the arena, and more memories.

#RacerNation #MurrayState #collegebasketball #basketballseason #bettertogether #WeAreRacers
I’ve worn a favorite sweatshirt that says “Let I’ve worn a favorite sweatshirt that says “Let heaven and nature sing” twice this week. I may not be singing Christmas carols anymore, but I still felt the depths of winter this week. The sweatshirt seemed right. 

The sun didn’t shine much this week, although seeing on Friday as we wrap up the work and school week was welcomed. It’s mostly been cold and gray. It’s felt like winter. 

A lingering tension needs resolution and understanding, but honestly the gap between seems so vast. I crave slow time at home and meals around our table. I miss some friends and was reminded of the heartache that can come with community, but I also felt the deep appreciation of friendship and remembered the beauty of sharing this life with others. I was excited for an invitation and easily accepted it. I started a new habit (hopefully) walking with a friend. 

While driving through my days, I remember how uncertainty is what makes me look up. I remember my Creator when I am slapped in the face with the reality I’m not actually in control. I remember (again) to surrender. 

Goodness happens in the gray of winter. Life may look and feel different, but new life is always preparing to break through the cracks of the ground. The gloom that tempts us to look down doesn’t last long when we believe the sun will break through the icy trees and the fog will lift. 

This is hope. Even in winter. Thank God for it all. Let’s let heaven and nature sing. 

#countryliving #latergram #livingfaithfully #choosingJOY #reallife #weekending
I heard mixed reactions about this book from two d I heard mixed reactions about this book from two different friends, but I enjoyed it! 

I liked the backward timeline, although I was uncertain about how it would work until the end. Some of the twists and connections were so good! 

I also liked the bigger ideas Gillian McAllister tackles: We miss things when we are living our life at our normal pace. What if we could go back? What would be notice that would change our reality? And, of course, perhaps, there would be unintended consequences. 

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ It did get a little slow in the middle, but the end and beginning are quite good! #KHTreads #bookstagram #booklover #kindlebooks #kindleoasis #readersofinstagram
This about sums up motherhood: My teenage girl in This about sums up motherhood: My teenage girl in the middle rebounding and playing hard and little sister photobombing the moment! 

Honestly, parenting has been hard lately. Nothing major. But so constant and always adjusting. 

Even so, I love watching them on the court and in life. There is so much excitement and goodness among the repetition and exhaustion. 

This is real life. And those are our 10-0 Lady Lions out there. 🦁💛

@ncca.lions #momlife #reallife #basketballseason #momconfessions #livingfaithfully #girlmom #firstborn #thirdchild
I finished studying Colossians today with my Prece I finished studying Colossians today with my Precept group. Paul wrote this letter to an established church that was still growing and learning and maturing in the faith — like us all.  I really loved this study because it spoke right into my life with encouragement for knowing Christ, walking in wisdom and truth, praying continually, letting peace rule, and giving grace. Plus Paul deeply loved his people. 

“Therefore, as you received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk in him, rooted and built up in him and established in the faith, just as you were taught, abounding in thanksgiving.” — Colossians 2:6-7

Too often I step out of God’s presence for two minutes while are loading up the van in the morning or I’m rushing kids to bed. Too often I don’t surrender my fleshy desires and feelings to the One who holds this whole wide world in His hands. Too often I think my plans are worth holding onto tightly. Too often I think I can bring peace to my household, minivan, or dinner table. 

But real peace passes all my understanding. It rests in God’s wisdom and knowledge alone. How amazing we have access to that, thanks to Jesus. How easily I forget where I’m rooted. 

I want to let peace rule — in my home, in my head, and in my heart. 

Today while I was driving, I noticed how lovely the road, land, and sky looked. But today was really windy, like feel-it-move-my-vehicle and knock-over-trash-cans windy. It almost felt deceptive with the beauty before me, but, really, that’s like life. 

Sometimes it seems I have it together. People know my gifts of organizing information and people. I show up on time and am responsible. But so many thoughts and feelings are swirling in my mind. I replay conversations and fight against the same insecurities from the previous day. 

I feel both lovely and like my swirling mind could knock me over at any moment. And that’s why I needed God, particularly through His words through Paul to the Colossians. 

#livingfaithfully #faithlife #churchlife #reallife #countryliving
This girl has been complaining of a sore throat th This girl has been complaining of a sore throat the last couple of days, but she hasn’t had a fever or any other symptoms so I kept telling her she was fine. Truth be told, she a bit of a hypochondriac and generally happy, so it’s hard to tell if she sick sometimes. 

The folks at Aligned Health took care of her this afternoon and are treating her for strep or whatever bacteria is making her throat look and feel rough. 

I’m thankful for access to medical care and an unexpected night at home.

#momlife #thirdchild #reallife #momconfessions #livingfaithfully #choosingJOY #sickday
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