Becoming still

In the fall, fresh off a hard season of grief, I wrote down in my journal everything single thing I spent any amount of time doing: Laundry. Taxiing kids around. Paying bills. Sending emails for a local group. Volunteering here and there. Lunching with friends. Making dinner. Grocery shopping. Serving on my kids’ school board. Blogging. Social media. Reading. And, you know, the list goes on and on.

Then I got rid of some commitments, passed along some responsibilities to other people, and lessened the priority of other things. Honestly, it hurt. I find worth in my productivity and knew that needed to stop. I was rushed too much and knew I needed to slow down.

Psalm 46:10 says, “Be still, and know I am God.” I’ve heard this verse often, but it’s only been as a 40-year-old woman that I’ve really started to understand it. In this verse, “still” actually means “cease striving.” Being still in the presence of God is more than just not moving; it’s actually about our mental posture and being willing to surrender our stubborn wills.

In that season of letting go, I had to let go of some commitments I truly loved in the spirit of stillness because they were draining me and overfilling my emotional capacity. I was reminded of how sadness and joy can co-exist, how the same decision can hurt and heal.

I started this new year saying no to some of the same things and being aware that I might have to say no again so I can have time at home, capacity to be a good wife and mom, and space to be able to see God working in me and around me.

Then on Saturday, March 14, we started social distancing ourselves from almost everyone we usually see in hopes of avoiding the coronavirus. It’s like God took what He’d been doing slowly in my life and forced a deeper surrender. Now, a little more than a week into this unprecedented season full of so many unknowns, I’ve loved my time at home with my kids and our weekends with wide-open agendas.

Even the things I couldn’t and wouldn’t take off my list in the fall are now basically canceled: soccer practices and games, school pick-up driving, lunching with friends, volunteering, and kids’ dentist and pediatrician appointments. I went days without looking at my calendar, which is highly unusual. Yes, my kids are doing schoolwork at home, but we still have wonderful teachers pouring into their lives from a distance. I’ve gone to the grocery a couple of times to keep our fridge and pantry stocked, but I’ve loved the time to linger in the kitchen preparing meals and playing board games when we finish eating.

Truthfully, I’m feeling free.

Yes, I miss my friends and was happy to roll down my window and briefly chat with a few during the assignment drop-off and pick-up at my kids’ school. I’ve gone on a walk with my best friend and hung out at her house one evening. But I’ve mostly been in soft pants – as Cate as long called them – enjoying my people and our home.

Yes, of course, I hope we don’t get sick and sometimes have anxiety creep in when I think too hard about why we’re hunkered down at home. The first couple of days made me a little twitchy as texts, phone calls, and emailed canceled every detail of our normal lives. And, of course, the kids sometimes pick on each other and exploit their personality differences.

But I’ve seen evidence of God working in a long-time prayer request I’ve had for our family. I’ve witnessed simple goodness that offers a refreshing perspective. I’ve been able to keep in touch with people thanks to many technology options.

I’ve also seen evidence that when all five of us are here way more than usual, we produce a lot of trash and go through a lot of food and drinks. But we’ve also cuddled on the couch to listen to church, watch movies, and read books. For the record, in less than twenty-four hours, we watched “Freaky Friday” and “A Cinderella Story,” so just now I’m doing my part to introduce my kids to Chad Michael Murray. We previously watched all three installments of “High School Musical.” We have rotating crafts happening on our dining room table and I’m waiting on two puzzles I ordered to arrive from Amazon. Somehow the days go quickly.

I could go for a little more sunshine so we can take more walks in the woods, wander down by the creeks, and take advantage of our country living. Regardless, we’re going to soak in the blessings that come with surrendering, slowing down, and simplifying.

*****

This coronavirus-inspired social distancing really goes with the word {BECOMING} God has been teaching me about this year. I’d love to hear your stories about God working in these unprecedented circumstances. Rachel has been coloring many pages in this simple but great preschooler activity book and I’ve put together a list of our favorite board games.