Learning to delight in God

I met Beth Johnson at a conference hosted by a mutual friend in southern Illinois. We’ve been Facebook friends since and I’ve followed her infertility journey from afar. She recently self-published an ebook called “The Burden of Hope: I Am More Than Barren” and I’m happy she’s sharing an excerpt from that here on my {virtual} porch.

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Stuck between obedience and hope, that’s where I found myself the majority of the time. I wanted nothing more than to be obedient to God, to trust him with my future, and let him take complete control. And then there was hope – not wanting to let go of the miracle I had always felt was going to happen. I questioned on too many occasions to count, if I stopped hoping for my miracle, would I ever receive it?

God wants us to hope. He also wants us to be obedient and to trust that he has our future in his hands. In my life, hoping and being obedient were all jumbled up, everything was constantly contradicted in my mind and heart. So, I got to the point where the burden of hoping was too painful. The thought of being let down by my Lord was unbearable. That’s when it clicked: If I was let down because I didn’t get a baby, it wasn’t God’s fault; I am the one who put myself in a position of being disappointed.

“Delight yourself in the Lord, and
he will give you the desires of your heart.”

–Psalm 37:4

I had been living this verse all wrong; it wasn’t that if I delighted in God he would give me whatever I wanted; it’s that when I delight in him, my desires change to his desires for me, which are far better than anything I could ever dream up. If we keep our focus on what we want, rather than what God wants for us, we will end up discouraged. Even if God gives us what we want, which he has been known to do, it won’t be with the fullness and joy we could have had if we accepted what he wanted for us.

Take time to read that again: Even if God gives us what we want, it won’t be with the fullness and joy we could have had if we accepted what he wanted for us.

Success through infertility does not equal a baby.

{Tweet that.}

When that truth clicked for me, I was in the middle of leading worship at church. We were singing the song Healer by one of my favorite worship leaders, Kari Jobe. Into the microphone, I was singing the lyrics, “I believe you’re my healer, I believe you are all I need …” I felt the question in my gut, “Why are you lying?” Ignoring it, I continued, “I believe you’re my portion. I believe you’re more than enough for me, Jesus you’re all I need …” Again, the questioning, “Why are you singing this song? Would a baby really be enough for you? Am I not enough for you?”

I heard those words in my heart so extremely loud that I couldn’t hear the guitar anymore! I couldn’t sing anymore! I could not stop crying. I was on stage, leading my church in song and thankfully my sister, who was singing backup, took over and finished it for me. In that moment I was completely convicted of my pride and thankfully it was the last song in the set.

As soon as the song was over, I quietly walked off the stage, my eyes on the carpet ahead of me, not looking at anyone as I headed straight to the bathroom. I cried and prayed in that bathroom stall, not caring if anyone came in or not, “God, You ARE my portion! God, You ARE enough for me! I don’t NEED a baby! I NEED YOU!”

My life was changed in that moment. Although I do fully believe with everything in me, that because of the decision I made at five years old to believe in Jesus, I will live with him eternally in heaven. I find this bathroom-stall moment was a turning point in my relationship with my Creator. I went from here – hand held up in front of my chin – to here – hand held way up over my head! I went from being someone who attended church and just told God that I loved him, to a woman who wanted to live every second of her life for HIS glory and for HIS purpose, and in that church bathroom stall, I began learning how to completely delight myself in HIM.

Learning to delight in God was amazing, I had some mountaintop experiences with my Savior, I woke up early most mornings to spend time in the Word, prayer, and worship. Life was great! I had surrendered my will to God, and faithfully trusted him with everything. God had allowed JT and me to stop renting a townhouse and purchase our very first home. JT and I felt God alive in our marriage. We prayed together daily and felt God’s blessings on our lives. Everything was pretty much perfect for almost two years, and then came Sunday …

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Beth Johnson tells more of her story, including what happened on that Sunday, in her new book, “The Burden of Hope: I Am More Than Barren,” which is now available on Amazon. Beth is a wife, author, and worship leader in Paducah, Kentucky. She has a heart for women and the real-life, daily issues they face. You can find her on Facebook.

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