“Be the light in the cracks
Be the one that’s mending the camel’s back
Slow to anger and quick to laugh
Be more heart and less attack
Be the wheels, not the track
Be the wanderer that’s coming back
Leave the past right where it’s at
Be more heart and less attack …”
This year I found myself stuck — emotionally and spiritually. I was mentally still reeling from some changes over the past few years that changed how and when I could process externally what was going on in my everyday life. I had poured out everything I had relationally and not positioned myself to let God refill me. I was trying to navigate the tension between my first-born, perfectionist-leaning ways and my son who is all middle child and was diagnosed with ADHD earlier in the year. Plus childhood junk crept in my present ordinary days.
I ended up making a call to schedule my first-ever counseling session. We’ve since met seven times the past couple months and our conversations have been one avenue God has used to restore my soul.
“… The more you take, the less you have
‘Cause it’s you in the mirror that’s staring back
Quick to let go, slow to react
Be more heart and less attack
Ever growing, steadfast
And if need be, the one that’s in the gap
Be the never turning back
Twice the heart any man could have …”
Our conversations in that counseling room have bounced back and forth from all the goodness in my life to how I always see room for improvement. And I’ve felt brave for doing this hard work.
We’ve addressed the reality of this season I’m in parenting tween girl emotions, elementary boy behavior, and toddler shenanigans. We’ve talked about stress and worked on a shift in perspective that accepts reality and makes time – even in small pockets throughout the day – to regroup. We talked about how I’m the opposite of ADHD yet I’m equipped to teach my son the routines and time management skills he needs and my boy is in a position to help me enjoy ordinary life.
None of this is exactly news, but it’s been freeing for me to sit for an hour and process life with a third party. With that, I’ve recognized we don’t have to bring the pieces of ourselves to God polished and put together.
God will take all the shatters & slivers
to make something beautiful.
These lyrics scattered throughout the post are from Needtobreathe’s “More Heart, Less Attack.” This band has been the soundtrack to my last few years. Certain songs remind me of what I’ve seen God do in my life and in the lives around me. Other songs take me back to places I want to remember.
“… I stuck my hat out
I caught the raindrops
I drank the water
I felt my veins pop
I’m nearly sanctified
I’m nearly broken
I’m down the river, I’m nearly open
I’m down the river, to where I’m going”
So hearing so many of my favorite songs at a live acoustic show Sunday night was special – and it was my first experience at The Ryman Auditorium. Greg and I have seen NTB live three other times — all full band shows at outdoor amphitheaters. It’s always wonderful, but this show was so well timed. Ellie & Drew Holcomb showed up to sing “Stones Under Rushing Water” and Gavin DeGraw joined them for a completely unplugged version of “Brother.”
And God showed up – in the songs, in the auditorium that felt like church in all the good ways, and in my reflections of this year that broke and built me in so many ways.
*****
In addition to counseling, I made myself a playlist that speaks truth about God is my rescuer. I thought you might like it too. I’ve also read a few books I’d recommend to you: “Fiercehearted: Live Fully, Love Bravely” by Holley Gerth {review}; “Kill the Spider: Getting Rid of What’s Really Holding You Back” by Carlos Whittaker; and “If You Only Knew: My Unlikely, Unavoidable Story of Becoming Free” by Jamie Ivey {review}. These few books are definitely at the top of my list from 2017, but here’s the entire list of what I’ve read.
*****
Loading InLinkz ...
Merry Christmas to you, Kristin. Cheers for seeking counseling. I agree with you–it’s good to get a third party perspective sometimes. Blessings to you and your family this Christmas season!
Thanks, Sarah! I hope y’all have a wonderful Christmas too.
God always uses our brave…even when it’s less than perfect. Keep walking brave in faith and have Merry Christmas!
Yes, yes! Thank you, Becky, and merry Christmas to you!
Thanks for sharing this Kristin – I love how God uses such a variety of methods to let things settle in our hearts, reveal new things and help us keep growing in him. Your playlist – I like this idea very much. In fact your CD that came with your book has been such a blessing to our daughter who loves to hang in her room (sometimes to avoid her full blown ADHD brother) crank up the music and make slime. You’ve encouraged me to make my own playlist this year to keep my thoughts and mind where they need to be. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
I’m so glad the playlist has been a blessing for your family! Maybe I need to make my own daughter a copy so she can crank it up in her room! 🙂 When I was putting together songs that encouraged me so I could listen while I drove or whatever, I quickly saw a theme that God rescues us and restores our hope. And then I once again thanked God for knowing that I needed. He’s good like that. 🙂 Merry Christmas to y’all! xo
I loved your book list in previous post, Kristin. (I know . . . I know . . . book nerds unite!)
And I’m fascinated by your statement that you are the opposite of your ADD boy. I know there is wisdom in that statement for me in relating to one of my boys.
Thanks for showing up here with the real deal.
Blessings to you as you celebrate Jesus’ birth with your family!
Hey, nothing wrong with loving books like we do! 🙂 You know, I knew my son and I were different, but when my counselor put words on it and encouraged me in our differences, that’s really what I needed to shift my perspective. I mean, there’s still work to do, but at least there’s a direction now! Thanks for being here, Michele! Merry Christmas! xo
Love this: “we don’t have to bring the pieces of ourselves to God polished and put together.” We can come “just as we are,” and He’ll do the polishing and putting together.
Yes. Amen. So thankful for that.
Thank you for being brave and practicing self-care as an example for us. I started going to counseling for a few years when my youngest had some new diagnosis. It wasn’t really the diagnosis. It was the fact that I had been so wrapped up in raising seven kids. I needed a wake up call to practice self-care and examine where some of my triggers were coming from. Thanks for the book list too! Working on my 2018 reading list!
That’s really what it was for me too. Ben’s diagnosis pushed me there, but there was so much else that needed to be opened up. God knew. 🙂 I’m glad you like the book list too, Kathleen! Thanks for all your love and encouragement. xo
#NEARLY amen to that. I have come to love your family, Kristin, and in the spirit of Christmas – I pray yours is the.best.ever. (xo)
Thank you, friend. Merry Christmas to you too! xo
So grateful for this post. Amen to this >> ““we don’t have to bring the pieces of ourselves to God polished and put together.” And now, I am humming the old hymn, Just As I Am. So grateful we need only to come to Him! Merry Christmas to you and your precious family! xo
Oh, yes, that’s a wonderful song! And so true! Thank you for your encouragement, Joanne! xo
Merry Christmas to you! Thank you for being brave and sharing your journey. I am so glad you stepped out and visited a counselor. It is always great to have someone walk alongside us that is not in it with us. Friends are wonderful and usually all on our side. Counselors seem to have a perspective a friend might not have.
Yes, in Fiercehearted, Holley Gerth talks about this: Our friends are our friends. They’re biased, usually for us. Counselors are typically independent in their opinions, which frees them to say things friends may not think they’re able to say. It helped me realize I needed to do this. Thanks for your kind comment, Maree! And merry Christmas to you!
I appreciate you, Kristin. Thank you for sharing all of this.
Thanks, Becky. It’s been brewing awhile, but I finally had words.
Oh friend, thank you for sharing your heart. I too am on the other side of unexpected changes that I couldn’t have seen coming a year ago. I am thankful that we are both starting to see new life and renewal. (Go check out my latest blog post. I think you will appreciate it immensely!) I love Ellie Holcomb’s album Red Sea Road. It really spoke to me through my liminal space this past Summer. A gift from God indeed. I will need to check out the Need to Breathe album.
Thanks for sharing, Tara! I’m glad God keeps working, despite the changes in circumstances and environments. That Red Sea Road album is beautiful and true. I actually just bought it (again) as a gift for someone. I’m off to read your post … 🙂 xo
Counseling is such a gift not only for ourselves, but for those who are around us too. I’m glad you’re being brave and have found someone good to talk with, Kristin! We all need healthy counselors in our lives, paid or unpaid. lol. May you have a blessed Christmas!
Yes, that’s so true! I’m guessing my family especially appreciates it. 🙂 Have a merry Christmas, Lisa!
Sorry, I meant to say “linkup,” not comments, and I don’t see any way to delete my previous incorrect comment where I wrote:
“but I didn’t realize your comments closed before 4:36 Saturday afternoon. I remembered it as closer to 6 pm. So sorry. Because I started writing Wednesday and could have some something on time, but didn’t.”
No problem. Hope you had a merry Christmas, Leah!