{No More Perfect Moms} Thoughts from a Recovering Perfectionist

I have been a perfectionist my entire life. When I was in elementary school I would get throw up when I didn’t get a perfect score. My stomach would be in knots every time there was a conflict between friends. Carrying this into high school, I became sick when relationships were not going right. I was very self conscious about how I looked. My clothes and hair had to be just so. 

I gave up things {that I might have learned to enjoy} when I didn’t do them perfectly. I beat myself up mentally when I answered questions in class, critiquing myself, thinking of everything that I thought I should have said differently. I am a very task-oriented person, and love lists. I have a terrible habit of making a to-do list for myself that is not attainable, then am frustrated when I can’t check everything off my list.

Being a perfectionist carries over into every relationship. The first fight you have with your spouse is devastating because even though you know relationships are not going to be perfect, some little part of you still expects that! When your child throws a fit in public for the first time, it rocks your world and you feel like a bad mom because it is so embarrassing. Any kind of conflict with friends and family members is extremely hard because you just want everyone to get along! You end up setting such high expectations for yourself (or anyone else for that matter) that you always end up with disappointment.

Being a perfectionist carries over into all of life. Not a hair out of place. When you cook, you want it to be perfect. Holidays should be magically perfect. Decorating cakes, well, that is a challenge for a perfectionist! Homeschooling is also a challenge and should be perfect … complete with a perfect schedule and exciting learning activities for the kids.

Perfectionism puts pressure on us moms to be the perfect moms. Balancing kids, school, schedules, extracurricular activities, hobbies, relationships, church, and finding ways to serve others and our community can be stressful. So many plates spinning in the air, and we try to find a way to keep them all going when what eventually happens is one of them falls and breaks … and our idea of a perfect day/season falls apart.

Lately I feel like the Lord is gently nudging me to let go of the perfectionism. We put our house up for sale in May 2012 and spent the entire summer keeping it “perfect” for showings. Then we ended up selling it in August … during our first week of school. This is a challenge for any mom, but for this homeschooling mom, it was exceptionally hard for me to figure out how to balance it all. I had come up with {what I thought was} a great schedule this year and had added a new way of learning/organizing our day … when WHAM … we have to pack it all up and move it into a different place. 

I wondered: How do I keep teaching my kids (and doing it well!) while we pack up a house and move? How do we unpack and get settled while trying to complete house projects and school? We moved into the new house the end of September and have had lots of days of crazy schedules, living out of boxes, and unpacking. 

There has hardly been a “normal” day since we moved. Right off we faced major plumbing problems in the house. Arrangements had to be made to get those fixed, and also make sure we were not using too much water in the house in the meantime (which is really fun with kids … ). We had to have a day without water for it to be fixed. We painted four rooms, replaced carpet, had a yard sale, put together new furniture, replaced outlets/light fixtures, hung curtains, organized rooms, replaced locks, had to rearrange days to meet the cable and utilities guys, and all those other things that you do when you move. 

We have had unexpected trips this year, a death in our family and educational events — all things that messed with our schedule this year. Days when I had *hoped* to have a “normal” schedule, other things have come up, such sickness. It just seems to be one thing after the other this year!

Moving has forced me to let go of some of those perfectionist expectations and just roll with what comes every day. I feel like God is trying to help me let go of being a perfectionist … with my schedule {and I definitely think schedules are good, but not if you are a slave to them}, my relationships, and the state of my house! 

My job is not to make everything perfect. God doesn’t expect perfection from us. If He did, we would have no need for Him! The thing that I want to learn during this season of “letting go” is to embrace imperfections in my relationships, with my children, my schedule, my house, you name it. I want to step over the train tracks that frequently take up part of the floor {with a smile}, take more breaks to play games and dance with my kids, be extra gracious with others when disappointments/hurt feelings come, and let the laundry and dishes go sometimes when I feel my body telling me it is time to take a break. I want to enjoy and live life to its fullest, relax and trust God. I want to quit comparing myself to how I think others are and enjoy being who God made me to be. 

I want to trust God to help use my imperfections to draw me closer to Him, knowing that 2 Corinthians 12:9 is true: “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness. Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” I also want to trust in Romans 8:28: “And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.”

This life is a race. It is not a sprint, but a marathon, especially motherhood! It is a long process as we raise children. It takes time, pain, hard work, energy and strength, just as running a marathon does. To do this successfully, we have to keep running and keep our eyes up. If we look down, we will fall. If we look around us, we may run into something or get off track. We must keep our eyes up and focused.

“Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us,  looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.”

{Hebrews 12:1-2}

So … if you come to my house, please ignore the mess. It’s more important for me to see you! If it seems that nothing is out of place, it’s probably in a closet somewhere. If you see me in Walmart in sweats and a hat, give me a high five … that is a big step for this perfectionist! If my kids aren’t behaving as they should, please pray for extra patience. If I stick my foot in my mouth, please give me grace. None of us are perfect, none of us have it all together! We are all in this race together, so let’s help cheer each other onto the finish.