tears, too much talking and onion breath

Holly wasn’t watching yet, so I couldn’t text her. Consider the following what would be my texts to her, plus some running commentary and some unsolicited advice. Oh, and don’t read on if you haven’t watched this week’s episode of “The Bachelor” and plan to without spoilers.

Ashley [the one who got the first impression rose …] is bitter that the other Ashley got the first date, and a one-on-one date at that. I have some advice that I think every season: Don’t go on a dating show on national television if you aren’t prepared to compete with other girls. Of course you hope he likes you more than the others. That’s the point.

Carnival date. Good choice, Brad. “I feel like I can be myself around her. I like this girl. I like this girl a lot.” Yes, Brad, again, that’s the point. But slow down. This is just your first date. Then she says, “Can we do it again?” Referring to the kiss. And they kiss. Again.

I do appreciate Brad opening up about his father, the apparent root of his insecurities and truth issues.

And, hey, girls, again. It’s a dating show. There will be group dates. That’s no secret. Stop whining. And, specifically, Birthday Girl Michelle, let go of the fact that you’re celebrating your 30th birthday on a group date with Brad and 14 other girls.

While making public service announcements for the American Red Cross, the group date included a girl who interrupted a scene she wasn’t supposed to be in, pity claps, two girls with Brad on the bed, a walk-out-of-the-room drama from Birthday Girl, who actually said, “All I want for my birthday is Brad.” Really, Michelle, stop talking.

“I feel like we need to dissect you.” Yeah, Michelle, didn’t stop talking. And I guess Brad doesn’t care because he gave her the rose. And, of course, she kept talking about the rose.

Melissa needs to stop talking too. I’m guessing Raichel — the manscaper — would agree.

I don’t really remember Jackie from the first night’s cocktail party. But I’m liking her. Now, granted, I left the room to put Cate to bed during their pampering part of the date, so maybe I missed something between a room full of dressed and pulling up to the fancy venue that you fellow Bachelor addicts need to share with me.

“Now I’m afraid you’re afraid of me.” I get that, Jackie. And, really, I appreciate that she hasn’t dated 80 men. Brad’s concern that she hasn’t had more than two relationships doesn’t worry me, but he seems to be really caught off guard. Her caution to love shouldn’t be a turn off, especially this early in the game.

Um, Train, really?! And playing a great song when they turn around. Super date.

Back at the house. Michelle, who has a rose, in case you forgot, is again monopolizing Brad because she had questions. Um, questions about coffee and what foods he keeps in his fridge. And she had the nerve to tell some other girls that’s what she asked.

Oh, Emily. I’ve missed her this week.

And, wait, where’s Fang Girl? I haven’t noticed her this week. And, really, that’s fine by me. Oh, she got a rose at the rose ceremony. I guess maybe Brad talked to her this week.

Did Raichel really say Jesus loved her and that’s why she’s going to stay? In all the drama and tears from Michelle, I started tuning out that part of the cocktail party while I was matching socks. Unfortunately, I wasn’t watching the show on our TV with the DVR because Greg and some guy friends were watching football, so I couldn’t rewind.

And then Michelle broke the crying while talking to Brad for a moment while she talked about onions and pizza. Um, weird and unnecessary.

Anyway … Brad went to get the bottom of the crying.

But that didn’t last long. Then came Ali and Roberto! I guess because they’re still in love following their romantic start on “The Bachelorette” they can help Brad detect who is there for the right reasons. Um, yeah, OK. But, wait, they did mention Emily seeming genuine. So, maybe, just maybe, we all know what we’re talking about.

Some parting words for a couple of those who didn’t get a rose …

Melissa, I’m really glad you won’t be on next week’s show. And I’m glad Brad saw through your tears and onion breath.

Raichel, Brad must not like the way you pulled off his wrist hair. Keep your manscaping ways to yourself. Oh, and fighting with Michelle probably didn’t help.

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Ali and Roberto gave advice. I’ve sprinkled advice through this babbling blog. And the girls obviously have opinions, which are bound to translate into advice, eventually. So … what’s your advice? What would you tell Brad or the girls? You know, if you could …